The World I Know
by ness55
Summary: Stefan's blood lust is pushing Elena away- how will Damon deal when his brother finally drinks human blood again? Set after 1.18; pairing Delena, with other characters/couples later on.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello lovelies,  
>I'm new to FF. Please enjoy my story! xx<br>**

**Disclaimer: None of it is mine !**

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><p><strong>Chapter 1<strong>

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><p>Things were getting a little strange. She could swear that there was time missing.<p>

"Damon, can you come over please?"

He made a smartass remark, but she just hung up. He would come now, in any case.

Brushing her hair behind her ear, she sighed. Her reflection looked rather tired. This might turn into the worst night as of late.

Faster than expected, she heard footsteps in her bedroom.

"Elena?" Damon called out softly. She appreciated him keeping his voice down.

"Here", she said, exiting the bathroom, taking a deep breath.

"Thanks for coming. I just couldn't call anyone else."

Damon furrowed his brows. "What's going on?"

Elena sighed deeply. She knew it would sound crazy.

"I was showering, and I saw blood in the drain."

"And that means… what exactly? You cut yourself shaving?"

"I wasn't shaving."

Damon gave a confused look. "So what, you got your period?"

Elena threw her hands up in frustration. "No, I wouldn't call you over for that!" Angry she sat on her bed, running fingers through her hair.

"Listen, it makes no sense to me either. I was thinking about your question earlier, I don't know where my necklace is. I found this-" She shoved her journal in Damon's hand. "I wrote multiple times about asking Stefan about my necklace… but it seems I never did? I also cannot recall what Stefan and I are doing when I come over. For some reason, I know I need to come over at 8pm every night. "

Damon stayed silent, unsure what she was getting at.

" I feel so exhausted, Damon. I almost fainted in the shower earlier, and then I saw blood in the water, but not on me. I am worried to ask you, but can you look at me, please?"

Damon took at a seat on Elena's bed, teddy bear in lap. "What are you really asking?"

"Isn't it obvious? I worry that Stefan compelled me. I think he's feeding off me but I can't see it. So please, look at my body. And don't you dare taking advantage of the situation." She felt tears building as she removed her shirt and pj pants. Standing in underwear, she waited for Damon's reaction.

While it would've been an amazing situation in any other case, Damon cringed when he saw her body. Thighs and stomach, all up her ribs, where covered in bite marks and cuts, looking sore and painful. He felt his jaw tighten, anger washing over him. His initial reaction was to soothe her wounds, maybe feed her. Instead, he held his breath and said, "You were right. It's not good, Elena." He got up, turned away and punched hard against the window frame.

As the frame shattered, Elena cringed and grasped for her clothes. Putting them on, she kept her focus on Damon, who avoided eye contact with her.

"Tell me please", she said quietly. "How bad is it?"

"You should let me feed you." Damon watched as Elena stepped further away from him, looking distraught.

"Absolutely not. This is not up for debate. I'm not in pain and will heal on my own."

"Then I should go. I'll handle it, Elena", Damon turned to leave, fists clenched.

"No, you won't. What's your plan now anyway? Go and confront Stefan?"

"Well that's a start, a sucker punch might snap him out of his idiocy if we're lucky", Damon growled, anger rising.

Elena started to laugh, a giggle at first that grew louder until she remembered not to wake Jeremy or Jenna. "That's priceless really. What exactly are you mad about anyway?"

Damon gave her a puzzled look.

She continued, "Stefan is doing what you keep preaching. A vampire is drinking human blood. He drinks, he compels, he repeats. How is that any different from what you have been doing to Caroline or Vicki? Besides the fact that Vicki is dead, for which you also had an excuse. So, please tell me what you are angry about." Crossing her arms, she challenged him for an answer.

Stepping closer to her, Damon tried to come up with a reply.

"It's just not right, Elena. He can't do that to you."

Elena shook her head laughing. "You have no answer do you? How am I any different than my friends or family? If you would've caught him drinking a random gas station attendant, a happy celebration would be in order, right? A brotherly slap on the shoulder and more bloodshed?"

Damon felt caught. She was right, and he knew that. Hell, how long had he tried to convince Stefan to drink from the vein again? Mocked him for drinking deer in the forest? Elena had paused, but he stayed silent.

"Maybe this isn't so bad after all. I prefer that the people in Mystic Falls are not drained dry by _two_ vampires."

Stepping closer, Damon gently grabbed her shoulders. "This will not continue, and I'll see to it. If blood bags are good enough for me, they will be for Stefan." Furrowing his brow, he sighed deeply. "He could've killed you. He cannot control his thirst and I know he doesn't want to harm you. My brother would be devastated. " And so would Damon be, but he kept this to himself.

Elena reached up and touched Damon's hands still resting on her shoulders.

"I'm not afraid. I'm disappointed. In myself, really. How could I be so naïve to think that Stefan would never hurt me? You were right, it's in your nature." Looking down, she turned away from Damon's touch. "Also pretty stupid of me think I would never be compelled. I just wish he would've asked for my blood instead of this whole mess."

Elena sat down on her bed, resting her face in her hands. Lacking a proper reply again, Damon just watched her for moment. "You know," he finally said, "It's not naïve to be in love and expect the best of people. Trusting them to do the right thing and protecting you from harm."

Now leaning against the windowsill, he was unsure what to do next. Why did he suddenly feel the need to protect her so much? Why did it matter that Stefan used her as blood bank? Frustration grew inside him, mingled with anger. Anger directed at Stefan as well as himself.

"I need to sleep, Damon. We will talk to Stefan tomorrow- together. I'll be over in the morning." Elena got under her covers, determined to get rest and forget for a few hours what was now the new normal of her life.

The abrupt ending of this conversation snapped Damon out of his thoughts successfully. He looked over to her as she tried to find a comfortable position, wondering how he ever ended up being part of her life in the first place.

"Goodnight, Elena", he said softly, and when she wished him the same he was already gone.

Sleep didn't come right away. While tossing and turning she was glad for the compulsion- considering Damon's look, she must be injured quite a bit. Not seeing or feeling the bites was certainly a blessing in disguise. The thought amused her. And what a crazy night it had been. After all she had stripped to her underwear in front of Damon of all people. Why did she replay that uncomfortable moment over and over? It's not like it mattered that he had seen her so scantily clad.

Of course, she worried about Stefan. What did drinking blood turn him into? There was suddenly a distance between them. She valued trust so much and it was broken. Confronting her boyfriend about all this would be painful.

As she drifted into sleep she took comfort in the knowledge that Damon would be there with her, which might be the strangest thought of them all.

In the meantime, Damon sat in the dark on the Gilbert's porch. Going home seemed impossible for him. He knew that he needed to stay calm and grant Elena her wish to be there when they talked to Stefan together. But patience not being his virtue, he decided to stay away from the boarding house a little longer.

Eventually he did return home - angry, confused about his anger, but mainly in a poor mood. With relief he realized that Stefan wasn't home. After a few generous glasses of whiskey he finally attempted to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Dear lovelies, **

**Thank you so much reading! xx **

**Here is chapter 2, tell me what you think!**

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><p><strong>Chapter 2<strong>

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><p>"You're up early!"<p>

Jenna entered the kitchen to get a coffee herself, and was pleasantly surprised to smell the black goodness.

"I'm going over to Stefan's to study, and I need a lot of caffeine for that." Lies came easy to Elena lately. She poured Jenna a generous mug.

"Well if that isn't a depressing way to start your weekend!" Jenna laughed, then corrected herself. "I mean, what a great way to start your weekend. Can I take credit for your regained interest in education?"

"Of course aunt Jenna!" Elena grabbed her bag, gave Jenna a kiss on the cheek and headed out the door. She was glad that Jeremy was still asleep. Before she drove off she texted Damon – _coming over now _– and turned on the car radio.

_This world can turn me down but I_

_Won't turn away_

_And I won't duck and run, cause_

_I'm not built that way_

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><p>When Elena arrived at the boarding house the front door was already open. She still marveled at the architecture and design of the building every time she came over. It smelled of wood and history, stood dark and heavy. Closing the door behind her as she entered she spotted Damon standing ahead.<p>

"He's out. But I bet he'll be home soon. Drink?"

"I brought coffee, but thanks." Elena tried to read Damon's mood. Drinking in the morning was neither a good nor a bad sign with him. Sitting down on one of the couches she searched her bag for a paper.

"So, I got up very early this morning and prepared a few notes. It's not a speech or anything, but I thought it would help to get our message across."

Damon smiled in spite of himself. "That's cute. And what exactly is the message that _we_ have?"

Their conversation was interrupted. "Good question. And good morning to you two. What's going on?" Stefan stepped into the room, curious. He had hoped for a shower and a nap.

"Stefan", Elena said startled. "Where have you been?"

"Yes, where have you been, brother? Hunting, by any chance? You look positively sated." Damon gave him a challenging look, then motioned for the couch. "Please take a seat and do tell. We're curious to hear it all."

Elena took a look at her notes, then tossed the paper back into her bag. Screw this, she thought, here goes nothing.

Stefan hesitated to step much closer. "Not much to tell. I was in the woods and lost track of time."

"You have been feeding off me", Elena blurted out. "Let's just cut right to the chase. I know it, you know it. Explain that." She stepped towards him angrily.

Stefan pressed his lips together in an attempt to keep his composure.

"How did you find out?"

Elena threw her hands up in exasperation. "Is that what really matters? How I found out? Is that all you have to say?"

Damon watched the scene carefully. His brother was upset, he could tell. With a shrug, Stefan tried to explain. "I just needed blood. I can't stop. And I never meant to hurt you." He walked over to her, grabbing her by the shoulders. "You weren't supposed to know because I knew you would be upset. It was just tiny bit at first and then-"

Elena struggled free, not wanting to be touched. "And then more and more and where would it end? With you killing me?" She shook her head. "You could've talked to me, talked to us", she motioned to Damon.

Stefan stepped closer again. "But I didn't. It's messed up now but I will work on it. I won't feed off of you anymore-", his voice grew desperate.

With a chuckle, Damon spoke up. "Ha, 100 bucks you fed on something other than bunnies last night. Pretty damn straight you won't use Elena as a blood bag anymore but I know you Stefan, and I know you need more than just a sip of human blood." He stepped over to Stefan, pushing a finger against his chest. "You start with a sip and it turns into an ocean of blood and eventually heads are rolling. You are out of control which is especially inconvenient with the council poking around."

Stefan pushed Damon out of the way and grabbed Elena's arms again. "You weren't supposed to know. I didn't want you to know I am a monster. Why is this happening to me?" He pulled Elena into an embrace, but she stayed stiff against his touch.

"We'll help you, Stefan. But it's just not ok." She tried to shake him off, but he held onto her tightly.

Damon observed with a frown as his brother burrowed his face in Elena's hair in an attempt to be closer her.

"You need to let me go now, Stefan." Elena just needed space, needed to be away from this. She felt conflicted- part of her wanted to comfort Stefan, part of her just wanted to be as far away as possible.

"Stefan-", she started, when a sudden pain spread across her neck. "Ow! You're hurting me!"

Damon, realizing what was happening, rushed over and pulled Stefan off of her, sending him flying across the room. Stefan got back on his feet, teeth exposed, eyes red, growling in anger.

In mindless anger, he rushed towards his brother never noticing the vervain syringe hitting his torso. As the vervain spread through his system, Stefan fell to his knees and passed out.

"Stefan!" Elena called out for him, still on the floor, holding her neck.

"Plan B." Damon stated, satisfied with the result, before he rushing over to Elena. She was crying, and initially flinched at his touch.

He pulled her up to the couch and gently inspected her bite. Brushing tears off her face he waited for her to calm down. When her breathing normalized her gave a faint kiss to the forehead before dealing with Stefan.

As Damon left her side Elena felt scared. Part of her wanted to tell him to stay, but she realized he was just locking up Stefan in the basement. She closed her eyes, willing her to snap out of this crying fit.

She glanced at her shoulder and surprised herself with annoyance over her ruined shirt. Fresh air was needed, so she stepped out of the house and let her eyes and mind wander.

What to make of all this? Her boyfriend had just attacked her while attempting to apologize for previous attacks- certainly not the original intention. A shift was happening. Stefan, the person she had felt most safe with now made her feel most afraid. And Damon, who left her scared many times before suddenly felt safe. This was confusing at best.

"He's all chained up and still unconscious." Damon stepped into the daylight, Elena turning to face him.

"Good.. that's good. Guess we have to figure out what to do with him now."

"Well first all the blood he drank needs to leave his system. And then we'll talk to him and see how that goes." Damon tilted his head slightly, searching for eye contact with Elena. As her eyes met his, he asked, "So how are you doing?"

"I would say better than expected? Not that there is a perfect reaction for that type of situation." She shrugged. "And it's all my fault isn't it? I fed Stefan my blood when he was injured."

"Hey hey", he stepped closer, hands cupping Elena's face. "Listen to me. You saved his and likely your own life that night. The way he since handled his urges are not your responsibility. His decisions and actions are not your fault."

Elena reached up and held her hands onto his. With a deep sigh, she replied. "Thank you, Damon. For your help. I'd be lying to not call it unexpected but I appreciate your kindness."

Damon held her gaze for a few extra moments before he reluctantly separated their touch. He felt drawn to her against his better judgment and will.

As he stepped back Elena felt an unexpected yearning for a hug. Just a reassuring touch to make her feel less confused.

"I think now is the perfect time for that drink you offered", she said with a forced smile and they both stepped back into the mansion.


	3. Chapter 3

**My lovelies,**

**You're awesome.  
>Please enjoy the new chapter. <strong>

**I'm not a native speaker, please excuse any errors. **

**xx**

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><p><strong>Chapter 3<strong>

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><p>It seemed mundane, but chores had to be done. Jeremy was out, possibly with Anna, and Jenna was at the Mystic Grill to meet Alaric Saltzman for a casual date.<p>

As she gathered the laundry from the dryer, Elena was thankful for the empty house. Should she have stayed at the boarding house to support Stefan? Damon had eventually urged her to go home to get away for a while. Maybe he was a little mad after all, since her blood had triggered Stefan's… what to call it? Relapse?

But this gave her the chance to just do normal, boring things. Such as laundry.

To Damon's amusement, Elena dropped the laundry basket when she entered her room, letting out a startled gasp. "Damon!" She called out in a scolding tone. "What are you doing here, how did you even-"

"You should really close your window, otherwise I'll interpret it as an invitation."

"Hrmpf!" It came to Elena's attention that the spilled laundry contained underwear, the smirk on Damon's face giving away that he had noticed as well. Elena gathered the clothes and carelessly kicked the basket aside.

"Well, what is it? Is everything OK with Stefan?" Her annoyance had changed to worry, admittedly to Damon's dismay. He inspected the broken window frame. Maybe he should fix that. Maybe he should get Stefan to fix it.

"Stefan is fine. He's in self-loathing mode and has announced that he won't drink blood anymore." Damon shrugged. "But we have other problems."

Elena didn't really want to change the subject. "I don't really see how to today could get any worse, but fill me in."

"Your uncle John is getting the council riled up. Sheriff Forbes let me know that he plans to draw all vampires out and get rid of them. I personally do not want any wannabe hunters stomping dirt over my expensive rugs. Especially not with Stefan out of commission."

"I just don't see how John would do this. There must be a way to resolve this."

"Don't be naïve, Elena. John knows enough about vampires to understand that not all kill to feed, and he still hates them equally. But feel free to try to get through to him. He'll clearly listen to his teenage niece."

The ability to see the kindness in people and give them at least the benefit of the doubt was probably a desirable trait, but in moments like this the source of his frustration. Why did she have to be so credulous? People and vampires alike were cruel, without reason or compassion at times. Her blindness to the fact would get her killed – and possible those around her, too.

Pondering a response, Elena had sat down cross-legged on her bed. The silence and stillness in the room were almost shouting at her. She hated it when Damon made her feel like a child. So John was hell-bent on homicide. That didn't mean that she couldn't try to have a conversation with him.

"I'm not arguing with you. Get Pearl to meet John and I at the town square tomorrow at 11."

"And then what?" Furrowing his brow Damon watched as Elena got up and headed for her door.

"You'll see, Damon. I'll go watch something mindless on TV and you can enjoy the rest of the evening."

The door shut behind her with a moderate thud and Damon threw his hands up in frustration. Why _did_ she frustrate him so much? It's not like she'd been the most cooperative before, especially since he couldn't compel her. Maybe that was it- she wasn't compelled, or afraid of him. Interacting with humans like that he'd long given up.

He could hear the TV being switched on, and smiled when he made out a news anchor's monotone reporting of whatever had been going on nationally that day. Definitely _not_ mindless television.

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><p>Pearl looked graceful in a grey power suit with high heels, and John just looked… aloof as always. He'd dressed up as well, tie even. The three of them stood at opposite ends of the town square and made their way to meet in the middle. It appeared to be a dramatic theatre scene, Elena cringed at the thought and hope it would go well. John likely carried a stake or vervain, and Pearl likely knew that. Elena looked at her sneakers and felt suddenly underdressed in jeans and t-shirt.<p>

Damon had taken a seat outside the Mystic Grill, pretending to enjoy a latte and the newspaper. After yet another argument in the morning he'd sourly announced that Elena had a death wish but agreed that probably neither John nor Pearl meant her harm.

After awkward introductions Elena explained the reason for the meeting. John wanted to protect the people of Mystic Falls, Pearl just wanted to live her life. They'd need to come to a peaceful agreement to benefit them all. The idea was that Pearl would, together with moderate, non-violent vampires, protect the town's population from the killing kind. Blood bags as payment. John had to agree reluctantly that vampires were much better equipped to protect humans than badly trained neighborhood watch guys. It was clear that trust was minimal, but John promised to bring the proposal to the council, as it was not his decision to make.

After Pearl left, John addressed Elena directly.

"How do you trust these monsters?"

"Wow," Elena shook her head, disappointed. "You know I thought this was a good meeting. But then you ruin it with one sentence."

"Well at least I am not blind to their nature. I don't let them take advantage of me, either. To be seduced by them- your mother would be ashamed."

"Really?" An uncomfortable laugh left her mouth. "I will just ignore what you just said. Two things- one, I'm wearing vervain, two, without vampires I would not be alive right now. You see them taking lives, so do I. But I also see them saving lives, protection people. If you wouldn't be so stubborn you could see that, too."

She turned to leave, cheeks hot with anger. How dare he pull her mother into this. John grabbed her arm forcefully and pulled her around to face him again.

"I see the benefit of your proposal, but I will not blindly trust them because you tell me to."

Elena freed himself from his grasp. "I just want you to keep an open mind. It's better to have a few vampires on your side than have them all as your enemy. Goodbye John."

This time he let her leave, maybe because he saw Damon stride towards them.

No need for more public arguments.

Only now Elena noticed that her eyes were wet with tears. "Let's go, Damon." She stopped his pace with a hand held up to his chest as he was angrily approaching. "Screw John. He only has one vote in the matter. I want to go see Stefan now."

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><p>The drive over to the boarding house had been a quiet one. Damon was irritated. He didn't like not being in control- Elena brokering the peace was impressive and he'd loved to see her in charge- but he hated worrying about her. Why did he worry? She was just another human. But when John had grabbed her, he could hear her gasp in shock, which in return filled him with anger. And when he saw eyes water after John's comments he felt the overwhelming need to comfort her. A feeling that was maybe even stronger than the want to punch John in his smug face.<p>

But he didn't hug her. And her initial reaction was to go to Stefan. Yes, of course. He was her boyfriend still.

Elena wondered if she could tell Damon that she was thankful for him being there this morning. She had felt save. Not that she had been too worried, but she was glad to know someone there had her back. After the argument with John, it had been such a relief to see Damon come towards her. She had almost hugged him, but shied away when she saw how angry he was.

Damon stopped the car but didn't exit right away. Now back to dealing with Stefan. Life wasn't fun anymore. Instead of partying and spilling blood he was babysitting an entire town- when did that happen?

He looked so deep in thoughts, so she just leaned over without comment and rested her head against his shoulder. He gasped slightly in surprise, then reached with his left hand to stroke her head slightly.

"I'm tired, Damon. But I'm so glad you're with me. I mean, there for me."

He kissed her head. What to say to that?

"Always, Elena."

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><p>Stefan heard the car, but no one came to the door for a while. Normally he would've wondered what that meant. But he was detoxing, he was thirsty, and when he closed his eyes he was back in 1864.<p>

His mind replayed the night of his transition. Usually he did his best to avoid thinking about it. How he accidently killed his father. Fed, transitioned and then more of less forced Damon to finish his transition as well. He recalled how good it had felt at first, the heightened emotions, the clarity of sight, the speed, and the taste of blood.

Now he knew that he had trouble with moderation. He needed _more. _

And when Elena finally visited him down there at his cell, he could only hear her heartbeat and recall what her blood tasted like.

"Stefan?" Elena peaked through the little window in Stefan's cell. His body suddenly smashed into the heavy door, his face inches away from hers, teeth bared and snarling at her. She had stood on tiptoes to peak in and now fell backwards with a shriek, landing painfully on the rough floor.

"GO AWAY!" He screamed at her, rattling the door. Elena eyes darted back and forth between the window and the hinges of the door- they seemed to hold. She staggered back on her feet.

"Please, Stefan, let me help you!" She tried to stand her ground but knew her rapid heartbeat gave her away.

"Go away or I will come out and kill you!" Stefan meant it at this moment, and banged against the door some more.

Fear had changed to anger, and Elena banged against the door once herself.

"I am not giving up on you!" She shouted but her voice shook. There was nothing she could do right now, so she headed up the stairs.

Damon met her at the top, arms crossed and lips pressed together.

"That sounded very joyful."

Without a reply, Elena pushed past, rubbing her sore wrist. "Yes that went much worse than expected. "

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><p>But she spent the Sunday anyway. And most of the following week- before school, after school, and skipped a few classes in between. Caroline was miffed, but thought that Elena stayed away because she and Bonnie were still not talking.<p>

That Bonnie was upset actually came in handy- it was a perfect excuse for a weekday sleepover. She could stay at the boarding house and Jenna would be none the wiser. While her aunt was OK with the occasional night at a boyfriend's house, this was clearly too much. Everybody was busy – Jeremy with Anna, Jenna with Alaric. Caroline was preparing a parade, with Bonnie's help.

John let her know that the council was still taking the deal under consideration. A truce was called in the meantime. Everybody was on edge, though.

Stefan's outbursts had become far more subdued. Sometimes Elena snuck down the stairs, but still around the corner. At times she could hear him whimper or talk to himself. Alternatively, silence signaled sleep. He went from raging and trashing because he wanted to be let out, to crying that he wanted to die.

At first even Damon was worried, but slowly Stefan calmed, drank the provided small amount of blood and started to come out of his almost lucid state.

He was on the mend, and Damon refused to acknowledge the jealousy he felt now that Elena spent more time in the basement instead of the parlour. It had been nice, Elena just around, reading or doing homework. Things like talking on the phone, laughing at Caroline's jokes or cooking in their kitchen (which was clearly underutilized). At night, he'd sometimes check on her when she slept, even though he knew she was safe.

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><p>Today was the parade. The council, led by the mayor, had requested a meeting during the festivities, likely to ensure safety. Pearl, in an effort to keep her side of the promised bargain, had convinced some of the revenge driven tomb vampires to leave Mystic Falls. The prospect of moving to a place where they weren't hunted sounded promising, especially after she ripped their leader's heart out. Many had just followed him because they felt obliged, and others decided that living in anonymity was the easier route.<p>

About a dozen wanted to stay, and live in the safety of the suggested arrangement.

Despite John's frown and dismay, the Mayor announced that they would have a deal with Pearl and her followers. The council had voted with a surprising majority to give this unusual cohabitation a chance- they had learned that other communities had similar arrangements. The mayor himself, as a businessman, was also interested in doing business with Pearl, as her assets seemed impressive.

It came as a big surprise, though, when Jeremy showed up at the meeting with Anna- clearly aware of what it was about, and who Anna was. Afterwards, in the ensuing argument, he confessed to reading Elena's journal, but credited Anna to understand better why his sister had kept it all a secret. They hugged it out, and Elena thanked Anna and Pearl individually for all their support in the recent weeks.

To her surprise, Damon had already left the parade. She decided to find Jenna and use the time to get all the information about her and Alaric. After a few minutes she spotted them walking on the other side of the parade, hand in hand. The little twinge of jealousy caught Elena by surprise. How she wished that someone would hold her hand right now. Would Damon's hand feel soft and warm?

She shook her head. No, why did she even wonder? Of course Stefan would be here with her, in an ideal situation, right?

Still, instinctively she sent a text to Damon- _Are you home? Is everything OK?_

Relieved, she read his reply- _Yep. All good. Drink is waiting for you if you feel like it. _


	4. Chapter 4

**Lovelies, **

**sorry for the delay! Without further ado...**

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><p><strong>Chapter 4<strong>

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><p>After a quick shower and the packing of new clothes, Elena was on her way back to the boarding house. She missed sleeping in her own bed, but couldn't stay away from the Salvatores for long. After parking the car, Elena watched the house for a moment. She could see some lights were on; the building lay dark and broody between the trees. She was sure that both Stefan and Damon knew she was there, vampire hearing and all. Maybe Stefan would be in better spirits tonight. She would update him about the deal with the mayor, assuming that Damon hadn't already. Damon was avoiding Stefan, save for bringing him blood in regular intervals. Those two would make any therapist rich.<p>

Not even halfway to the house the door sprung open, and Damon gestured for her to come in.

"I wasn't sure you'd come tonight", he said as they settled in the parlour.

"How could I not take you up on the offer of underage drinking?" Elena forced a smile, clearly tired. The promised drink was quick in her hands and quicker down her throat, sending a shudder and positively warm feeling through her body.

"I could get used to that. More, please."

Damon furrowed a brow but complied.

"You know", Elena continued, "This is the first time in a while I feel like we can almost relax. I mean, assuming our truce will hold up for a while. At least no council members will burst through the doors tonight."

As she pulled her legs up on the couch, Damon studied her intently. She did indeed look exhausted, especially when she let out a deep sigh. He poured her another.

"Do you have any music? It's tragic enough that you don't have a TV…", she trailed off, causing a small pout on Damon's face.

He went and found a Bruce Springsteen vinyl. _Blinded by the Light _came on, causing Elena let out an excited giggle, then jump up and dance, glass still in hand.

She motioned for him to join, "Please, just one song!" Then gulped the whiskey down and put down the glass.

Her shirt, black and flow-y, flew and bounced with every dance move. Damon stepped closer, started to dance in tune with her, and her hands were suddenly on his shoulders.

Elena threw her head back to shake hair out of her face, and Damon could smell the whiskey on her breath. Her eyes were closed, she just reveled in the music and the alcohol coursing through her system.

She had no idea how beautiful she was to Damon in this moment. He could hear her heartbeat over the music and thought how long it had been to see her so… relaxed and alive. The last weeks had been tense and she had been mostly fearful and glum.

_Growin' Up_ came on, a song starting slow in the beginning, and he stepped away reluctantly. Elena had stopped dancing but reached forward, hand on Damon's arm. It sent a shiver up his spine. What was she doing to him? "Thank you, I needed that." Elena bit her lip, then lounged forward and gave Damon a fierce hug. She was on her tiptoes, head and arms resting on his neck and shoulders. Bruce Springsteen still sang in the background.

At once Elena drew back, and without making eye contact she hurriedly left the parlour, heading down the basement stairs to presumably see Stefan.

Damon reached up to touch his shoulder where Elena had rested her head moments earlier, stretched his neck and heard his bones pop. Good that alcohol was abundant in this house.

Before reaching Stefan's cell, Elena paused, lightheaded from the alcohol and the butterflies in her stomach that shouldn't be there.

* * *

><p>"Springsteen, eh?" Stefan remarked from behind the heavy door. "Sounds like you two are having a great time."<p>

It wasn't clear to Elena whether he was sarcastic or not. She ran her hands through her hair and straightened her clothes, even though there was nothing to fix. Stepping on the box she'd put in front of the cell door she peaked through the bars. Too many hours she's spend sitting or standing on the box in support of her boyfriend.

Stefan appeared close to the window, startling Elena just a little. She had gotten used to him doing that. "Smells like a party", he quipped.

Elena turned her head away, embarrassed, then faced him again. "Well, someone has to take your place as resident alcoholic."

She couldn't read Stefan, partly due to the terribly lighting, partly because he seemed to go through so many emotions at once.

"Well, with you two in a good mood I assume that the council took your offer? That's great news."

Elena was positively surprised that Stefan cared about those current issues and didn't yell for blood or to be let out just yet.

"Do you want to come out of the cell tonight, Stefan?"

Maybe it was the whiskey, or maybe it was just lunacy. But if already one thing went great today, maybe this would, too?

"I'm not sure if-" , Stefan started, but the cell door was already getting unlocked.

* * *

><p>Damon had made a point to not listen in on Elena and Stefan anymore. It was usually something painfully cheesy (from Elena) and painfully abusive (from Stefan).<p>

He observed the hot milk on the stove as he prepared a hot chocolate for Elena- why, he didn't know, but he knew she loved it and could spike it with more booze if she wanted.

Their time as a twosome, spending time together, was coming to an end. And while she had always slept on the couch or in one of the guestrooms, it had given him hope that maybe she was not just there for Stefan, but for him, too.

Springsteen was _Lost in the Flood_ when Damon thought he heard yelling from the basement. The milk had to wait. He hurried down the stairs.

* * *

><p>Stefan had fought with himself but thirst had taken over. With little control he had left, he had pushed Elena out of the way- where she landed and how, he didn't know. But he was on his third blood bag from the freezer, thank goodness for Damon's storage, when she was there again, grabbing him by the shoulder. Why would she not just leave him alone?<p>

"Stay away from me!" Blood was running down his face, eyes red and veins visible.

Her startled look, edged with disgust he thought, drove him mad.

And of course, Damon came to the rescue. Stefan pushed his brother out of his way, renewed strength powering him on, and was faster out of the house than anyone expected.

* * *

><p>Steamy hot chocolate had finally reached Elena. After gathering themselves up and agreeing that letting Stefan out had been a very stupid idea indeed, they had settled in the parlour yet again.<p>

Damon had wanted to catch Stefan, but he would likely come back to the boarding house, since he wasn't wearing his daylight ring. A call to Pearl had been made, her associates would keep an eye out and catch Stefan if they saw him. Elena was beating herself up over it, but after more whiskey her cheeks were blushing red and she stopped saying things like: "What if he kills someone?"

Eventually, a text from Pearl released all their tension. They were lucky enough that Stefan had showed up at the parade and was "taken care of for the night." Tomorrow would be a brand new day to try to help him.

On request, Damon told Elena stories about the brother's youth. He recalled life in the 1800s, from fashion to politics to entertainment a small town could provide.

They sat next to each other on the couch, Elena being the one who had chosen to rest against him. His arm casually around her shoulder, she cozied in listened attentively.

Damon concluded a story with "You would've liked me back then."

Elena, eyes still shimmery from fatigue and whiskey, looked up to catch his gaze.

"I like you right now, Damon."

The air was electric, as they were inches away from each other. Damon didn't dare to move, so it was Elena to leaned in and gave him a gentle kiss on the lips. She pulled back slowly, eyes fluttering open again, when Damon reached up to her face and pulled her into another kiss, lips pressing together hard with passion. They breathed each other in, parting lips only to clash together again. Elena eventually straddled his lap, they where pulling and pressing at each other, every touch sending nerves into overdrive.

Time was a concept lost on them. They fumbled and moaned, both knowing that if they left this couch they would tear off each others clothes and end up in Damon's bed, doing god-knows-what.

Guilt crept up in both of them, and turned into passionate aggression, as they groped onto each other for dear life. Elena could feel Damon getting hard and eventually sprung up.

The hormones had a sobering effect on her, but Damon was there in an instant, pulling her close again.

After another passionate kiss she pushed him away, first gently then decisively.

Reality set in when they saw each other from that bit of a distance, out of breath, hot and with disheveled hair and clothes.

Without another word, again, Elena fled the room. Damon winced when he could hear her brush her teeth, as if she tried to scrub away where his lips had been. He took another sip of his drink, realizing that with the booze he burned away her taste with equal intent.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

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><p>Damon's night had consisted mostly of listening to Elena toss and turn; Elena's night had mostly consisted of wondering if Damon was awake, too.<p>

Sleep, more like a restless short nap, had come to them in the early hours of the morning.

Pearl arrived at the boarding house around 11 a.m., the sun was out without a cloud, and the town very much awake. Their meeting was short, however. Pearl had not brought Stefan, who was locked up in one of her houses. Her suggestion took both Damon and Elena off guard.

"You've helped me find a way to stay in Mystic Falls. To make this a home for my daughter and those I consider family." Pearl crossed her legs gracefully. Her bracelet clinked on the wooden table.

"I would like to do you a favour. With Stefan.. I see his pain, and at my age I've seen it before. There are people I know who can help him. They've done it many times. As you know by now, us vampires prefer to stay under the radar, which is hard to achieve with some of our brothers and sisters suffering from an addictive blood lust.

I've arranged for him to be picked up tonight. He might be gone a few weeks, months.. it depends on the individual."

Elena's mouth stood now open. "But, where will he go? We can't just send him away!?" She rubbed her hands together painfully, knuckles white.

Damon reached over to part her hands, at which she flinched and turn away from him.

Pearl smiled with understanding. "It's better when he's away from distraction. From his triggers. Stefan needs to fully focus on himself and learn to … find love for himself again."

Elena stood and faced the window. She grew angry at Damon's silence.

"But it's like we're just giving up on him when he needs us most. Just sending him away like a problem we don't want to deal with."

Finally, Damon spoke. "No, Elena. It's not like that. We're giving him the chance to heal, sending him to people who know what they are doing."

Pearl nodded. "I give you my word that this is the best for Stefan." She stood, for her the conversation was clearly over. She exchanged pleasantries with Damon and promised to update them regularly on Stefan's progress. Just when she stepped outside, Elena caught up with them.

"Can I see him? Can I say goodbye?"

"He doesn't want to see you, Elena. Or anyone." Pearl squeezed Elena's shoulder gently.

"Child", she said in a low voice, "He is not with you anymore. You need to let him go."

And with that, she got into a car, and her driver pulled out almost immediately.

Did Pearl pretty much just break up with Elena on Stefan's behalf?

Elena plopped down to sit cross-legged on the threshold.

"This is a cop-out", she commented, as the dust from Pearl's car settled.

Damon again remained silent, but didn't leave her side either. Leaning again the door frame, they both watched the shadows move. How long did they sit there wordless?

It was a cop-out, alright. But why did Damon feel almost exhilarated at the prospect of his brother's absence? While he wanted to find out what last night meant, there was a very big chance that Elena would pretend it never happened. Her body language this morning had been a good indication of that.

Elena tried to come to terms with this sudden development. Stefan had been her rock, the one that showed her how to be happy again. To feel love again after her parents had died. Kept her safe until he was the reason she wasn't, and now he was out of the picture, poof, vanished.

She needed to fill this sudden emptiness. Getting up, she reached for Damon. "Come on", she said, "Let's get drunk and dance until we pass out."

Her hand was cold against his chest but her cheeks hot and rosy in contrast. Before he could reply that maybe drinking before noon was not the best idea, she was already inside.

She grabbed her phone and put music on, as loud as the device permitted.

After a generous slug of whiskey, Damon grabbed the bottle from her.

"You really should slow down there, missy."

"Oh come one now, Damon!" Elena grabbed his face. "This day doesn't have to be sad and gloomy. We should make the best of it."

With that she kissed him, arms tightening the grip around his shoulders, pulling him close.

At first Damon returned the kiss, but drew back. She kept pulling at him, so he grabbed her wrists tightly. "Stop it, Elena. This isn't what you want." Her face flashed with confusion, she tried to get out of his grip.

"This is exactly what I want. I want you, don't you want me?"

"Not like this." Damon sighed, and let eventually go off her wrists.

Elena stepped back, as if distance would provide her with clarity regarding his rejection. Tears sprang to her eyes. "I know you want me. I've seen you want me. Why do you discard me like an old toy? Was it just about the chase, trying to get between Stefan and I, and now you're bored?" She shrugged, more to herself than him.

Damon thought of answer, taking in the multiple allegations. "You're just upset now, Elena. I do want you, hell, I'd rather tear your clothes off right now but I have to take the high road- you would regret it. I know you."

Frustrated, Elena sighed. He'd taken the wind out of her sails.

"Please. You go take shower - I won't peak." He'd stepped closer and was relieved to find her smile slightly at his comment. "I will fix us some food and we can do whatever you want. Ok?"

"Ok", Elena gave in, and did as he requested.

* * *

><p>They had spent the next few hours in peace. After a delicious lunch they had gone for an extended walk across the property and neighborhood. Bonding further. Some talking, but mainly enjoying silence.<p>

It was good to feel the warm sun on their skin, and when it set they went back inside and ordered pizza. Another bad excuse was made to Jenna why Elena would stay out again- Damon jokingly suggested he could compel her to be even more lenient.

As the day was winding down, they grew somewhat sadder. Tomorrow life would start anew, Elena in school, Stefan who knows where, and Damon felt he had to find a better use of his time than compelling people for his entertainment and driving around in his car.

"I don't really know you", Elena eventually concluded. "Do you think you can give me time to get to know you better."

Damon smiled to himself. "You already know me better thank most people in a over century."

When time came to sleep, Elena showed up at Damon's room after brushing her teeth.

"Got some space for me?" She asked shyly, hands fidgeting nervously with hair and shirt.

Damon closed his book and wordlessly lifted the covers. She slid in and found a perfect spot next to him. There was something beautifully nonsexual about her being in his bed- he had certainly noticed her figure and wondered how she looked like without clothing.

For now however, she rested on his shoulder and fell into the most restful sleep in a long time, all while he quietly read his book to her until he was sure that she had passed out entirely.

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><p>AN: Thanks so much for reading this chapter! I hope you enjoyed it. Please leave me a review and I'll update ASAP! The next chapter is already in the works. :*


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N: Steamy chapter, this one! Please mind the M rating. This chapter is written from Damon's POV, which is new for me, but I hope it works. Enjoy!_

_And thank you SOOO much for the lovely feedback. :*_

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><p><strong>Chapter 6 <strong>

* * *

><p>After Elena fell asleep, I just listened to her breathing and heartbeat. I could not remember what I read to her- a couple of chapters, I'm sure, but the content was lost on us both.<p>

There it was again, the guilt. Guilt for falling for my brother's girl, guilt for feeling happy that he was MIA for a while, guilt for feeling _tremendously_ happy about the girl in my arms. She wants to get to know me better, but how can I show myself to her without losing her affection? There is much she doesn't know, because most is gruesome, cruel and irredeemable. Most of my life as a vampire I have hunted, tortured, killed. I have no fun stories about traveling the world, saving orphans, feeding the poor, or anything good I could've done with my skills.

I have never wanted to be good. Doing things without consequence is like a drug, more so than blood. Taking what I want, doing what I want. And when it gets too much, kill the crying girl or whoever else is in my way.

Never have I tried to analyze my deeds. Who wants to look back and realize they brought an equal amount of harm to those they let live and to those they killed?

The things I have done, such as compelling affection from beautiful girls, were abusive. I have only realized this recently.

I had bugged Elena for doing homework, saying that none of the exercises teachers gave these days have any merit in real life. So she read to me her sociology essay- about sex and consent, date rape, that not explicitly saying no or sexual arousal did _not_ equal consent, how the loss of control over your own body follows women and men into their every day life for a long time to come.

And I understood what I had done was rape.

She shot me an angry look as I said nothing, and I believe she was thinking of Caroline. I had compelled her best friend and never even apologized for it. But I also believe that Elena never thinks of the bigger picture- she refused to hear about Stefan's horrific murders and loved him anyway. She judges my actions as she knows them, but never asks for a list of wrongdoings from either Stefan or myself.

So, how much is she able to forgive? Murder she can put away, in a tiny box in the back of her mind. Hidden from her consciousness. But would she ever lie so close to me and forgive me rape?

Over the hypnotizing beat of her heart, I finally fell asleep.

When I woke up, I was fully ready for her to be gone. Far way from the boarding house, Mystic Falls even. But instead I find a note in the kitchen. She's at school. Apparently she didn't want to wake me, a sweet sentiment, but I wish I could've seen her this morning. Did she regret to spend the night?

My day consisted of cleaning, grocery shopping, and thinking far too much about Elena. Sometimes I believed to see Stefan in my peripheral vision, arms crossed and staring me down. But he wasn't there of course, and as Pearl's text informed me he was _"at the coast, angry but OK_".

At the supermarket, I grew frustrated because I couldn't remember what food Elena liked, and even debated for ten minutes if she was a vegetarian. I finally remembered how she had devoured hot bacon for breakfast once, and bought 3 packages. While I eat regular food, too, I never bother with nutrition- whatever I fancy, I eat, and that's it. And mostly I eat out. The wait at the checkout was definitely testing my patience, but I resisted the urge to either compel or kill the people at the store. Am I turning into a softy?

* * *

><p>"Damon?" Elena calls out softly, and I grin from ear to ear because I've already heard her car and her soft steps on the driveway.<p>

"In here," I say as nonchalantly as I can. She joins me in the library and waves a piece of paper in my face.

"I come bearing news," she announces and the paper reveals itself to be a doctor's note.

"Dr. Martins was very generous and gave me the last week off after I put on a perfect show and pushed out tears."

I'm confused, and finally grunt out, "What last week?"

"Last week before the summer holidays… I just thought, I need a break now. We need a break." Brushing hair behind her ear, she continues: "It's just been a crazy couple of months. Jeremy will cover for me with Jenna. I promised to return the favour."

She shrugs, gives me an unsure look. "That means I get to spend time with you, Damon. Time to reflect and see what our new status quo is."

I must've given her a pretty dumbfounded look, because I realize that my mouth has been standing open.

"That's great news actually...," I finally choke out.

There is an awkward silence between us that I break by mentioning Pearl's text. Great. The shy look on Elena's face changes into sad eyes and avoiding eye contact. She's fidgeting with the paper in her hand, and I know I've ruined the mood. She comes home with great news and I ruin it by mentioning her ex.

In my head I need to think of Stefan as her ex. And I am almost sure he'll regret that decision, and she might, too. But in order to look at her, talk to her, and hopefully touch her, I need to reason that I didn't turn us into cheaters.

I reach across cupping her hand, and she finally looks at me again, her long lashes revealing that deep brown I can't get enough of.

"This is all so weird, isn't it?" She sighs, and I agree of course and say nothing.

"I just wish there would be a proper way to deal with this mess."

"I'm sure there are a dozen romance novels to give you a template," I quip, only to receive a punch to the shoulder from Elena.

"Can you never be serious?" A smile she tries very hard to hide makes an appearance, and I return it.

* * *

><p>I can't believe that Elena is actually doing homework. What's the use of getting a sick slip if you're not using it? I haven't been in school in years (going to college parties almost counts, right?), so it took me a minute to get why education is so important for Elena.<p>

It's actually remarkable how the role of females has changed since I was her age- back in my youth women doctors were rare, and often not taken seriously until you had an ailment. Today I imagine Elena as a doctor- white coat, stethoscope around the neck, maybe glasses…

I need to shake myself out of these daydreams. It's just that after denying myself for so long the mere thought of anything regarding her that didn't mean saving her life… my fantasies are in overdrive. I smell her all around my house now, consciously. Her scent is intoxicating. Then, when I get close to whichever room she's in, I can hear her heartbeat- it quickens when she becomes aware of me. It took me a while to distinguish between the rhythm of her beat startled and aroused. Startled is followed by a little frustrated huff; aroused is followed by a quick lick across her bottom lip.

Now she's sitting with books opened all around her table, pen resting between her lips in deep concentration. Oh, to be that pen, receiving the gentlest of touch.

I'd rather send these books flying off the table, and put her on it.

Instead, I lean over her shoulder, my breath grazing her skin. The goose bumps are reaction enough to send more blood to my crotch.

"You should call it a night. I hear sleep is very important for concentration."

"What's my alternative?" She asks ever so innocently, keeping her cool.

"Well, I suggest a shower, an orgasm or two, and then some sleep to rest your busy brain." My lips brush against her ear, and despite a small shiver she wills herself to stay still. I place my hands on her shoulders to reassure her. Before I get to take my comment back, she replies in the sweetest voice:

"Is that a promise?"

Now the goose bumps reach me, and I'm glad she can't see the surprise on my face. It would take away from the coolness and all.

I realize I stopped breathing, and manage to let out the air in a focused sigh. Usually I am the one in control, 100%, but with her I am not so sure. There is a worry deep within me. What am I doing? What is she doing? Does she know what she wants? Will she like what I can do?

My hands travels down her arms, fingers making gentle contact. More goose bumps appear when my hands return to her shoulders, shortly follow her collarbone and then slowly make their way to her breasts. I don't even reach where her nipples would be before her hands reach mine, stopping me. _Too much, too fast, Salvatore._ I should've known. Still, I can't resist placing a kiss, ever so gently, on her neck – my hair must be tickling her as she takes a sharp breath in. Her hands squeeze mine hard- Does she want me to continue or to stop?

She surprises me again when turns half around, catching my mouth with her soft lips, one hand reaching behind my neck as our tongues explore each other. The air is filled with sighs and quiet moans as I get her off that stupid chair to face me, our bodies colliding. We tear hungrily at each other, shirts flying, and she demands breathlessly: "Shower. Now."

Shoes go flying before we reach the stairs, pants are unbuttoned and slide off and over the wooden floor before we reach my bathroom. At the threshold we pause, as if there is some witchcraft keeping us out. She looks at me, trying to find my eyes, but they don't obey at first because I can't stop looking at her body. I need to rip of the last pieces of clothing, I need to feel her skin on mine, I need to melt together with her. Elena places a hand on my chest to focus my attention.

"Damon," she starts, and I swear if she tells me to get dressed I might die.

"I want us to have this night," she concludes, tracing my collarbone. "But don't think I just give it up to everybody."

She looks so serious and concerned, but I can't stop a cautious smile. As if I'd take her for an easy girl. "There is nothing wrong with wanting to have sex," I assure her, one hand cupping her face. She leans into it shyly.

We've slowed down to a halt, and I can sense her hesitation. Kissing her shoulders, I slip her bra off and unhook it skillfully. It hits the floor, and her panties follow suit. Then my underwear does, too. We keep eye contact, touch gently, and finally step into the shower, hands intertwined. We wash ourselves while shooting shy and curious glances at each other. Elena's hair is in a messy bun revealing her neck, and her heart beats so deep I think I can see her veins through the skin. But my focus is not there alone, all of her is so sweet to take in. I catch her looking my erect penis and blushing- it's good for me ego and blood flow to see that reaction.

I turn the water off and resist the urge to grab and push her against the tiles, taking her right here, right now. Instead, I grab a towel and gently dry her off. She closes her eyes and moans softly when I brush over her breasts, ass, vagina. The towel needs to go, so I fling it aside, pulling Elena into me. We kiss hungrily and stumble towards my bed. I'm surprised again when she pushes me down, taking control. Her lips and hands are everywhere, I already ache for an orgasm. Her mouth and tongue tease so that I have to pull her off my cock at once, fearing I might come already.

She regains control again, straddling me, and slowly sitting down on my erection. My fingers find her clit as she finds her rhythm- we're both so close, how did this already happen? She moans and sighs my name, I find her nipples and cherish them in my mouth with all the gentleness and force I can muster. We should slow down, I think, but we can't. Elena slides off me and pulls me behind her- on her knees, she offers herself to me. I tease her with curious fingers at first, and she bends her hips towards me. I replace fingers with my cock, hands on her hips, filling her with steady hard strokes. Her breathing, moaning, sighing, is so delicious I want to record it. Instead of pushing her down as I usually do in this position, I pull her up, arm across her chest, my ragged breathing on her back. This slight change of angle sends her over the edge, walls tightening around me. In return, this pulsation is enough for me, and cum deep into her.

I pull out and fall next her, spent. Her back to me, I pull her close, and we both slowly catch our breath again. When I believe her to be almost relaxed again, I playfully nip at her shoulder – don't fall asleep yet! – and find her clit again. She arches her back in surprise, and gasps out a surprised, "Damon!"

"I promised you multiple orgasms," I simply state, and thanks to my experience and her reactions I have squirm her with an intense orgasm in less than two minutes. She's panting, holding my hand still because every other movement is too much for her body. I kiss her shoulder again, waiting for her body to relax. I smile when her breathing normalizes and deepens as she falls asleep. No better sleep aid then a good orgasm. I clean us up quickly and pull a blanket over us before I fall asleep as well.

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><p><em>AN: Really hoped you enjoyed this one! Any feedback would be appreciated ;) _


	7. Chapter 7

_AN: Hello dears, hope you enjoy this chapter! Ch8 is almost ready, too. Feedback is greatly appreciated! (Special thanks to kfulmer7!)_

_xx_

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><p><strong>Chapter 7<strong>

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><p>I wake up in an unfamiliar bed but an all-too familiar house. I'm alone in the room, sunshine greeting me. Memories from last night come back, and I feel sticky from the sweat and the sex. The rich smell of bacon reaches my nose, and I wonder if Damon knows that I like my eggs over easy. Surprised by my nudity I wrap the blanket around me as I stand, quickly grab my underwear and head for my room to get presentable.<p>

I refuse to look at my reflection in the mirror- tousled her, skin shiny with sweat. Instead I focus on shampooing my hair, even when my hands hastily clean my inner thighs. Should I get the Pantene again? Moroccan oil is also running low…

But the water splashing against my neck reminds me of Damon's kisses against my veins, and last night _did_ happen and _mustn't_ be ignored. I can't wash away his touch and kisses, undo where he nibbled and sucked and grabbed and scratched…

My head is still a mess. Will this change things between us? Was this the climax of our interaction, perhaps? Maybe he'll look at me now and be bored to death already.

Well, hiding out in a bedroom is not going to solve things, so I skip down the stairs as nonchalantly as I can and am greeted by a delicious cup of coffee.

"Two milk, two sugar", Damon announces, placing a quick kiss on my lips. I can taste coffee and long for his lips to linger.

"I hope there's more than coffee!" I peak around his shoulder.

"Well, there is _definitely _enough meat in the house," he winks, and I roll my eyes.

"Bacon, stat!" I demand, and Damon lets me pass to the frying pan. He's really putting some work into it- bacon almost cooked to perfection, eggs ready to go in the pan, toasted bagels with cream cheese. My stomach rumbles, I didn't realize how hungry I was.

"So, we should talk about last night", Damon starts, and I flinch. In my head the conversation is already taking place, and it includes platitudes like: _It was a mistake; we shouldn't have done it; it's not you it's me…_ I refuse to face him and start turning some bacon, and reply calmly: "Oh?"

"Well, see, I really pride myself in taking _very _good care of my sex partner, and usually there's far more diversity", Damon explains. "What I'm trying to say is that I think, because of the build-up of attraction between us… I couldn't last as long as would've liked."

I think I can hear embarrassment in his voice, and finally face him with an incredulous look on my face.

"I have _no_ idea what you're talking about."

Damon's expression of confusion mirrors mine.

"We had sex. And it was really good", I blush, and turn my attention back to our breakfast.

"There is no reason to say what you just did."

I do not have a lot of experience, there is not much I can compare it to. With Matt, it was new for us both, and more giddy fumbling than sensual love-making.

With Stefan, it was intense, but in comparison to Damon entirely different.

The bacon is all done and I load it on paper towels to soak up the excess grease. It's good to keep my hands busy.

"In fact, I don't think I ever had two orgasms like that."

Damon snorts. "Well, you don't have to say it just to feed my ego. I just wanted you to know that there is a lot more in store for you when you're up to it.

He turns me to look at him. "You know, there is lot I can do with my tongue."

My face feels hot and goose bumps cover my arms. "No one has ever done that for me", I admit quietly, and Damon furrows his brows while reading my face.

"We're talking about cunnilingus, right? You're telling me no one ever ate you out?"

I'm looking away embarrassed. Talking about sex is not even something I do much with Caroline and Bonnie, let alone a guy who is obviously interested in having sex with me.

"Just drop it, Damon", I try to sound determined and move to get some space between us.

"I'm just puzzled. I mean, how could any man possibly resist tasting you?" He sounds like he means it, while I try focus on our eggs. I don't answer and crack them into the sizzling pan.

* * *

><p>Our breakfast was somewhat awkward. It must've been the combination of last night and the awkward sex talk in the morning- I hide my face behind my hair and avoid Damon's searching eyes. It wasn't his intention, but I feel like an inexperienced prude. To be fair, my embarrassment covers my guilt and second-guessing. Certainly Damon isn't really fazed by any of it, he just continues his day as usual, despite the very obvious lingering glances at my body. Did he do that before and I was just not aware?<p>

When he brushes past me and whispers into my ear that he likes my hair (which just air dried) I'm covered in goose bumps again and catch myself leaning into him. A deep breath later I regain countenance, and try to focus on my math exercises... to no avail.

"We should get out of the house," Damon suggests playfully. "I packed a basket and know just the right spot to go to."

I drop my pen immediately- the tension is the house is palpable and we both need some fresh air.

Damon leads me to the car like a true gentleman, guiding me by the elbow and opening doors for me. We drive around 45 minutes to a forest, and a short ten-minute walk reveals a beautiful clearing. We settle in the shade of a tree and arrange the snacks on a blanket. After the clinking of glasses we finally attempt a conversation again.

"I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable this morning," Damon volunteers, and I take another generous swig of champagne.

"It's alright, really. Sleeping together is just usually something that happens but nothing I ever discussed." I bite my lip and wonder if I should continue. "I don't want you to think that I'm practically a virgin. But you must be able to understand that sex was a hard exercise in self-control for your brother. I had to be submissive to not create a dangerous situation."

I can see tension in Damon's jaw and brows furrow. "Did he hurt you?" he finally spits out.

"No! No, never" I reply too eagerly. "Let's drop this, OK? I'm hungry. Let's eat those rice-crispy treats. … Oh! You brought raspberries!"

I can practically hear Damon's wheels turn. To my relief he's letting it go, and we start to chitchat about the correct way to eat Oreos.

I'm torn between wanting to be truthful to Damon, and not wanting to speak badly of his brother. Stefan never intended to hurt me, and when he did he was always very apologetic. He could get very intense during sex, eyes darkening and fangs flashing. Sometimes he wouldn't stop when I asked him to, and I wasn't allowed to look at him or make too many sounds. He explained to me that sex and feeding were basic instincts to vampires, connected and often combined. That's why it was so hard for him stay calm and in control.

But Damon doesn't need to know all that.

We laugh about sweet little nothings and enjoy drink and food in the nature. I feel carefree. For those few hours I stop worrying about people, the future, enemies, life. Pale blue eyes hypnotize me and our hands are innocently intertwined. The sun is setting but we don't want to go.

* * *

><p>Elena's head is resting on my lap. I run my fingers through her hair and gently massage her scalp. It's long gotten dark, but we enjoy the calmness of the forest and a bright moon shines silver through the leaves.<p>

We needed this picnic. Needed to be away from Mystic Falls for a few hours. And while I try to enjoy the moment, I can't shake off what she said about Stefan. Or rather what she didn't say.

And it saddens me to think that a young girl in all her innocence now already justifies violence. She justifies both my brother and I hitting, torturing and killing people. Not that she approves but she made a spot in her consciousness that finds justification for it. That it's the vampirism, not our personalities. And while my nature as a vampire drives me… it doesn't override my humanity all the time. There are times when vampires _choose _to do harm because they can.

It's selfish of me to keep her in this world. Now that Stefan let her go she could go back to the quarterback. I could compel her to forget everything and –

She stirs, sits up, and her eyes find mine. Her smile melts my every doubt. She might be young but I can't make decisions for her. I must trust that she can make sound decisions for herself.

We gather our things and make our way back to the car, hand in hand. It feels perfect.

* * *

><p>By the time we get back to the boarding house I'm less sleepy. Damon teases me for not knowing how to play chess; I tease him for not even knowing what Plants vs Zombies is. I help myself to some bourbon, I like the feeling of a buzz, and talk Damon into dancing with me. He leads me beautifully and my heart beats at a delirious speed. I lean up and kiss him- gentle, then harder, lips parting and tongues fighting. He moans into my mouth and my body responds by pushing my hips closer to him. I can feel his erection growing and reluctantly part from him.<p>

"We need to take this slow, please," I urge, even though I am not sure if that's what I really want. But this is the first time in my life I feel I can say no. It always felt to me that I owed people sex- Matt was my first boyfriend and isn't that what people do? And Stefan was a man, and men want sex, right?

"I want this to be more than passion between us, Damon," I try to sound strong and determined but my voice is shaky.

"There can be more between us than just... the physical stuff." Running my fingers through my hair I avoid looking at him.

I grab a glass of bourbon and throw it back quickly. "Time to check in with Jenna," I mumble and head up the stairs. He's not following me, and it's probably because I hurt his feelings. Or his ego, at least.

I grab my phone and find a voicemail from an unknown number.

"_Elena, it's me, Stefan. I… hoped to hear your voice. I miss you. I wish I could've seen you before I left to apologize in person. … Elena. I'm so sorry for everything. I can't believe the things I've done. I'll be better. I'll come back. I'll be with you again. –"_

I drop the phone, my battery springs out. What am I doing with these brothers?

My hands shake when I put my phone back together and hurry down that stairs.

"I'll check in with Jenna and Jeremy!" I announce, grab my purse, keys, and run to my car.

There was no reply, no acknowledgement of my leaving. But I need to be alone, clear my head and not be distracted by a certain someone's look, smell, and touch.

* * *

><p>It's been an hour since Elena left in a hurry. At first I wanted to stop her, to pull her into a hug and assure her that I understood, but it seemed she was dealing with more and I need to let her work through her own things. I texted her, just a quick <em>"We're in no rush. I'm here when you want to come home to me."<em>

I feel unsettled and text Ric, maybe he's up for drinks? Yea yea it's late, but that's what you got a drinking buddy for. Our truce, or can I call it friendship, is very new but promising. He lets me know that Jenna is spending the night, we'll take a rain check.

My frustration grows. I really want to make sure that Elena is OK, but I can't suffocate her with my constant hovering.

The bourbon eventually does the trick and I fall into a restless slumber.

I wake to the weight of somebody on top of me. This must be heaven, I decide, because without even opening my eyes I can tell it's Elena. Change of heart? She kisses me hungrily and my hands discover that she only wears her underwear. She straddles me, grinding into me. I want to press her into the mattress and cover every inch of her body with kisses. Instead I let out a frustrated growl, hold her hips steady with my hands and ask, "What happened to taking it slow?" I can barely see her face hiding behind hair, so I reach up to brush a few strands behind her ear. She is grabbing my wrist with a strength I didn't expect from her before I reach her face.

"I'm the messenger, _and_ the message", she whispers. Before I can even let out a confused _what?_ her left hand suddenly strikes out, then shoots down to my chest. I throw my arm up to deflect what I recognize as a stake. It burrows a few inches deep into my shoulder anyway, and my instinct is to strike the enemy. Elena falls of my bed with a surprised gasp, and I hear her head connect with the floor, a dull thud sending her into unconsciousness.

Gritting my teeth I pull out the stake with a groan. My flesh is already healing, tendons mending. The stake in my hand is properly made, not a makeshift piece of wood. What the hell just happened? Elena's body is sprawled on the floor. I step over her in anger, put on some pants before I lift her up to my bed.

The cut on her temple, where she hit the floor, is accompanied by a cheek that starts to bruise where I hit her. More so, her throat looks irritated as bruises start to form- clearly not my doing. To be safe, I tie one of her wrists to the headboard. Whose message was this?

I check the house, lock the doors and sense no person, or vampire, close by. How stupid of me to feel safe. How incredibly stupid of me to let Elena run around at night without vervain.

When I return to the bedroom, newly sated with blood from the fridge, Elena starts to stir. A groan escapes her mouth when the pain sets in.

"What happened, Damon?" She inquires, reaching to cover her body. "What the hell happened and why am I tied to your bed?"

"Let me help you first, drink my blood." I step closer and bite my wrist. She stares at me and but before she starts to protest another wave of pain hits her.

"You very likely have a concussion, so please don't be stubborn." My wrist is already healed, but I hand her my glass of bourbon that's now mixed with my blood. Usually I would've made her drink from me, but I don't want to create a connotation with pain and danger.

She drinks up, shivering at the alcohol. I watch her injuries heal and then she cocks her head in realization.

"I tried to kill you? Oh God… Damon, I'm so sorry!" She reaches for me, her warm hand on mine. "You have to know that wasn't really me… but… I can't remember. Why can I not remember?" Tears start falling down her face, and I have to reach in for a hug. With one hand I undo her restrains and let her bury herself in my chest, crying. I stroke her head and back gently.

"You must've been compelled. It's OK, it's over. We're both OK."

I quietly hum an old melody until we're both too exhausted and fall asleep.


	8. Chapter 8

**Hello lovelies,**  
><strong> Maybe I should note that there is some violence in this chapter. Please enjoy :)<strong>_  
><em>

* * *

><p><strong><em>Chapter 8<em>**

* * *

><p><em>Flashback<em>

* * *

><p>Elena's thoughts were, again, all over the place when she pulled up to her family home. She let out a disappointed sigh when she saw that most of the lights were out. At the fridge, she found a note:<p>

_Elena,  
>in case you're coming home: I'm staying at Ric's tonight, Jeremy will likely sneak out and stay with Anna.<br>Don't be a stranger!  
>Jenna. <em>

She smiled. Jenna was very lenient lately, and the siblings very much appreciated their freedom. It was certainly contingent on good behavior and good grades… As far as Elena could tell, Jeremy was doing a lot better in school because of Anna's influence, and Elena herself did her best despite all the craziness in her life to keep up her good grades. Ric was also very helpful. Not that the just gave A's away, but he had a certain understanding for vampire related delays in homework delivery.

Elena settled for a shower, a change of clothes, and the late evening news. Economy was still crap; complaints about politicians as per usual; and looksee, no local deaths lately. The anchor explained that increased police presence had diverted criminals, but the real explanation was the protection of local vampires. Elena took pride in the part she had played in that.

She smiled at Damon's text, should she reply? When a knock came to the front door, she hesitated to open. Was that Damon, worried about her delayed reply? The front porch was empty.

"Hello?" Elena called out softly. "Damon, is that you?"

She leaned out over the threshold to get a better look when she was grabbed by her neck and pulled within inches of a familiar face.

"Invite me inside, Elena," the man commanded, and the compulsion took place.

"Come inside," Elena stated plainly.

"Lexi's boyfriend", she realized, "Lee, right? Did you just compel me?"

"Shut up!" Lee stepped closer and grabbed Elena forcefully by the throat. "I shouldn't have listened to you the last time and I will not listen now!" His eyes flashed with anger and were red with veins.

"I have no idea what I've done to you," Elena croaked, trying to catch her breath.

"You convinced me to let Damon live and when I turned around to leave town he killed Bree! He's a murderer and you're following him like a puppy."

Elena's confusion was apparent and Lee released his grip. While she was gasping for breath, he continued: "You're either compelled or blind to the fact that this man is a sociopath. But I know I can likely not defeat him, this is why you will do it for me."

"Lee, please listen-"

"This is not a discussion! I'm doing you a favour." Again he grabbed her throat and pushed her into the wall.

"He will suffer and he will die! And now pay close attention…"

Elena listened to the compulsion with vacant eyes. Her heart broke at the news of Bree's death. Was Lee telling the truth? Her mind took in the commands of the vampire. He finished with taking the memory of their meeting away temporarily. Elena blinked in confusion and would have no idea that Lee was in Mystic Falls and he had instructed her with multiple tasks.

_Flashback end_

* * *

><p>Damon woke to the quiet humming of Elena's voice and water flowing.<p>

Sun tickled his toes and the memory of last night caused a wrinkle on his forehead. Yesterday had seemed complicated, but today? He was glad to hear that Elena seemed in good spirits though. A bath to start the day was a good idea, but he decided not to join her- playing it chaste and all.

When he returned with coffee her humming had stopped. "Elena," he called out, "are you done with your bath? I brought you fresh coffee."

"Oh no," he choked out in despair and ran for the bathroom when the faint metallic smell hit him.

The gruesome scene inside startled him, and he wasn't easily startled. The bathroom was covered in blood splatter, but mainly the water in the tub ran deep red. Elena's head lolled to the side, her breathing faint. She had taken apart Damon's razor and cut up her face before slicing up her arms and legs.

"No no no NO!" Damon's desperation grew when Elena's body slipped from his grip, slick with blood and soap. "Damnit!" He bit his wrist and forced Elena to drink, but she hardly swallowed.

"Drink!" He yelled and slapped her back into consciousness. She finally took a couple of gulps and her cuts started to close. She started to choke on the blood and coughed, getting stronger after drinking a generous amount. Damon managed to get her out of the tub and into the shower, cold water hitting them both, cleaning up the blood.

Elena started to cry, angry sobs, as she held onto Damon frantically.

"I couldn't stop," she choked out, "I had to do it."

It took her a while to regain composure. Finally she faced him, declaring sternly: "I know you killed Bree, that you ripped her heart out. He's coming for you, Damon, and he won't stop."

Eventually, they left the shower. Elena got dressed wordlessly, still marveling at the healing power of Damon's blood. She had regained a few memories of Lee and the compulsion, but had no idea if he had further instructed her with brutal tasks.

Then she had to think of Bree. Though she had only met her shortly, she had taken a liking to her. In any case, Bree was a person with a fulfilling life, memories, family and friends, and Damon had killed just like… it was nothing. Afterwards, he'd gotten into a car with Elena, joked and likely touched her with hands that held Bree's heart just minutes before.

Elena also had to think of her attempt to stake Damon the night before. How in her mind it had felt so right to drive the weapon into him.

It had also felt right to draw the razor across her skin. She could taste the blood again, from cutting deep into her bottom lip, and remembered the sight of her sliced limbs. Blood squirting all over and running down into the water…

She heaved, and ran for the bathroom in her room, throwing up acid that burned her throat. When her body relaxed again, she realized that her throat was fine, too- due to Damon's blood still in her system. Amazed, she grabbed a pair of scissors and ran it across her arm, laughing hysterically when the pain subsided and the cut healed.

* * *

><p>Damon had cleaned the bathroom as well as he could, with the assistance of bourbon, which would at least take the edge off the whirlwind of emotions he currently went through. If he was honest with himself he would need to admit that booze was his crutch… But that was an issue for another time. Preferably a time that didn't include love drama and assassination threats.<p>

He'd made up his mind- he would catch Lee and take him out. Clearly, the man would go as far as compelling innocent people to either hurt him or themselves, all in the name of vengeance.

Killing Bree hadn't been his proudest moment. But she had betrayed him and counted on him to be killed… an eye for an eye, almost. Bree wasn't innocent, and Damon wasn't innocent either. But he felt that it was none of Lee's business, anyway.

Dealing with the fact that Damon killed when he was wronged was also an issue for another time.

He found Elena in the parlour with coffee and wet hair. She looked tired, evident by the circles under her eyes.

"You killed Bree because she sent Lee after you. Who came to kill you because you killed Lexi. Congratulations, Damon, this is one sweet clusterfuck." Her voice sounded matter-of-factly, and her face didn't give away much emotion.

"Well, those are the cliff notes," Damon agreed, trying to sound upbeat but failing.

"I suggest we end this drama once and for all. I'll get Pearl to provide me with some manpower and then I'll got hunting. Dead vampire = no more homicidal and suicidal compulsion on you."

Elena's mouth opened, "You can't just go and kill him. Maybe we could talk to him and explain-"

"But he almost killed you, Elena! He's still trying to kill me!" Damon's frustration grew at Elena's naivety. As if as quick pep talk would get that vampire out of Mystic Falls.

"Yes, but he actually has a reason to kill us! He's not just running around killing people because he wants to."

"A reason? What are you saying? That he has a reason to kill _unlike me?_" Damon was seething.

"That's not what I said, don't twist my words!" The coffee mug connected roughly with the table when Elena scrambled to her feet, her footing still shaky.

"No, I get it… you agree with his murderous ambitions because you find them justified but I'm the bad guy for wanting to kill him!"

"You cannot just kill someone who is angry at you! You already killed his girlfriend and his friend-"

"And I _will_ kill other people, Elena!" Damon's glare burned into Elena's head.

"Why are you saying that? You don't need to kill anyone, if you could just listen to yourself-"

She reached him, tried to touch his arm but he shook her off and stepped back.

"I'm a vampire, Elena, not a cuddly puppy. Vampires _kill_ people. I am not a good person and I will not promise you to be a good boy just because you want me to be a person I am not." His shoulders were tense and he took an aggressive stance.

"But I know who you are, Damon… and I'm still here! Is that not enough to prove to you that I am on your side?"

"You just took his side when this argument started, don't you pretend you didn't. I think it's time you get out of my face before I show you what a vampire is really like…" Veins started to form around his eyes, and Elena stepped back, startled.

Then, in defiance, she walked up to him, grasping his face with determination.

"You are not threatening me. Because you would not hurt me." She paused, fully ready for him to push her off, but he didn't. His eyes returned to normal. "I don't want to lose you. Not to Lee and not to your own stubbornness."

He reached for her wrists, keeping her hands in place.

"But what I've done… why are you not running for the hills?" His voice was quiet, unsure.

"Because I'm not the type of person to just give up on someone. Don't get me wrong, we _will_ talk about all that stuff… but one problem at a time. So… don't push me away. We need each other," she declared with all the determination she had.

Damon leaned down, placed a kiss on her forehead before embracing her in strong hug. "Please try to not kill anyone including yourself for a few hours, OK?" He tried to joke, and earned a slight chuckle from Elena.

"Can't make any promises," she admitted tenderly.

* * *

><p>Pearl had agreed to help catch Lee, but how to deal with him was yet to be determined. They doubted that Lee had a daylight ring, so abandoned houses were searched, as well as public buildings and old barns. Lee was nowhere to be found.<p>

Damon had kept an eye on Elena, who seemed anxious, but not homicidal. He'd tried to teach her how to play chess but both of their attention spans were not permitting that.

Eventually, Pearl called with no real news, and Elena insisted on speaking with her, too. When she left the room, Damon couldn't help but listen in.

"Pearl, Stefan called me yesterday. He's still with your people, right?" Elena needed the reassurance that there was not another thing to worry about.

"_Yes. I was told that he got hold of a phone and placed a call. I assume it was to you. Do not worry, he's well taken care of." _

Pearl sounded truthful and Elena let out a deep sigh.

"Thanks, Pearl. He seemed… very determined to return to Mystic Falls. But I trust when you say that he's still … well, wherever he is."

Damon considered for a moment to ask Elena about what he had heard, but when she saw his pensive expression she made that decision for him.

"You're listening in on me now? Great, that's just awesome." She crossed her arms in frustration.

"Elena," Damon started, "After this morning I have to make sure-"

"You are not my keeper. Is this how it's going to be? You watch my every move?"

Elena tried to get some space between them and stepped around the island counter, running hands through her hair. She felt cornered and controlled, even by the person who tried to protect her.

"I don't want to talk about Stefan. Yes, he called, and I didn't tell you because it has nothing to do with us," she offered. "Whatever he wants does not change the fact that him and I are over."

"But it has everything to do with us," Damon interrupted her angrily, "because as soon as he waltzes back in here, all healed and a perfect saint again, you'll remember why you chose him, and not me, in the first place!"

Elena gasped, tears springing to her eyes. "Do you have so little faith in me, in my decision making, that you think I will just run off after what we've already shared?"

She shook her head, motioning for Damon to not speak.

"You know, I get that you have insecurities after Katherine, but you have to have some trust in people. And if you don't even trust me then I don't know why I'm even still here."

She headed out of the room when Damon grabbed her by the arm.

"Elena, stop. It's complicated. But you shouldn't leave the boarding house-"

Shaking free, Elena replied, "I don't want to talk about this anymore. I'll go upstairs, and you'll leave me alone for a while… Am I making myself clear?"

Surprised at her determination Damon let her go, nodded, and decided to not fight her. He could still listen in on her without her knowledge, so there was no harm to let her out of his sight for a little while.

* * *

><p>Maybe some physical distance was good, even if just some stairs and walls.<p>

A clusterfuck is what Elena had called it, and he knew she was right. It usually amused him when she cursed, but not quite this time.

And she had been right when she told him that he needed to trust her. Of course she was. But it was hard to do so, especially with their relationship so new and fragile.

Katherine had stood between the two brothers, playing them skillfully like a fiddle. And while she had been a manipulative bitch, there was no doubt in his mind that she had love for both Salvatores. Just like Elena. Katherine however had never made a choice. Elena would have to.

It was not fair to compare the two, of course. But hard not to- they were perfect physical copies of each other, to every little hair and freckle. Their personalities couldn't compare, and with so much time passed it was hard to recall how his love for Katherine had grown.

He could hear a pen scrape on paper. A diary entry perhaps. Both Stefan and Elena loved to write down every happy and miserable bit of their lives. Why? What's done is done, you can't change the past by gluing it onto paper, no matter how skillful the words.

When she wrote to remember, Damon drank to forget.

They were so opposite sometimes that he marveled at how they could meet in the middle with the same fiery passion for a kiss.

He would keep her safe, he vowed. From all this danger and all this mess both brothers had equally dragged into her life. He could not leave her, but he had to protect her at least.

When Lee would attack, he'd make sure she was safe; and when Stefan would return, he'd make sure she could make her own decisions.

Because you can't change the past but you can shape the future.

Listening in, he heard a window open, letting in fresh air, albeit a bit sticky with summer heat.

Maybe he should bake, chocolaty goodness a peace offering while he explains to her that he's a thickheaded idiot and she forgives him.

He left he bourbon in the parlour, and headed for the coffee to his own surprise. The pantry offered most of what he needed- flour, sugar, cocoa… he reached for the old recipe book, almost excited at the prospect of playing house. Because he knew she'd smile and that's all he wanted to see.

The old grandfather clock struck noon when he heard a tumble and a splat outside the window that knocked all breath out of his lungs.


	9. Chapter 9

**Hello lovelies, **

**New chapter for the weekend! Please enjoy. **

* * *

><p>Chapter 9<p>

* * *

><p>The fall wasn't far but landed her headfirst on the unforgiving ground. The top left of her head had caved in, now flat from the impact that broke her neck. Blood, bone, and brain matter mixed and oozed through her hair.<p>

Damon, numb with shock, observed her body, intrigued by the fact that the rest of her was sprawled like a puppet with its strings cut loose.

_She didn't break her fall,_ he concluded, because her wrists weren't shattered.

He didn't touch her, at first. There was no need to check for a pulse, or see if she breathed. She lay chest first and he didn't dare seeing her face. What if her eyes were open? What if her face was pure gore?

What to tell Jeremy? Jenna? Stefan? Caroline and Bonnie? And everyone else?

He had crouched down next to her for however long it took for a few flies to find interest in the blood around her head. How dare they touch her like she was the carcass of a doe hit by a car!

With sudden realization, he lunged forward and cradled her. Her dead weight surprisingly heavy, he turned her around to pick her up, carefully avoiding her face.

"You're OK," he whispered. It was meant for her but also for him.

He brought her inside with newfound determination and purpose: Up the stairs, as fast as he could, and onto his bed. His chambers were now tainted with the brutality of the last 12 hours, anyway. Damon brought her head into a more natural position and brushed sticky strands of bloodied hair out of her face. To his relief, she didn't stare at him with dead eyes, and besides dirt from the ground she almost looked asleep.

But he knew she would heal, she had to.

That wasn't entirely true. She'd mend her neck and repackage her brain and wake up in transition, because there was still his blood in her system.

Her skin cooled despite the summer heat, looking ashen. He held her hand, willing for her to wake up soon. But it would be a while, too much damage.

The guilt could wait, he decided, had to wait. She could yell at him later, hit him and cry until her eyes ran dry of tears. But at least she would have a voice to yell, arms to hit and tears to cry.

There was a time in which he'd wished for her to be dead, only to spite his brother. When he'd thought that her life held no value because she was not Katherine. All his energy spent on that woman and now Elena would soon proof if, in death, she would truly become her in doppelgänger in personality, too.

The topic of Elena becoming a vampire had never come up. Some humans fell in love with the idea of an eternal life and supernatural strength. They even drank blood before being turned, and threw away career and family. Isobel had practically begged Damon to be turned, so smitten with the concept, and proven to be an excellent new vampire, too.

Some vampires in transition, often turned against their will, chose against actually becoming one. He himself had not wanted this life- looking back, he almost wondered why.

Looking at Elena, he wondered how she would react once she woke up again.

He decided to clean her up a little, so she would not wake with dirt in her eyelashes.

Letting go of her hand and taking his eyes off of her for mere seconds seemed like the hardest task of them all. He found a washcloth and ran it under warm water. When he returned, his gaze fell upon a piece of paper, tucked into the book on the nightstand:

_Damon,_

_I'm the messenger, and the message._

_Your toy is dead- my work is done. _

_You took mine, so I took yours._

_-Lee_

The note had been written by Elena, he would always recognize her handwriting, neat and with strong Y's and G's. Under compulsion, he was sure, a last message from the man he'd wronged.

As far as Damon was concerned, he had taken off and would not return. The new vampire didn't understand how vampire blood works, his note made clear that he thought Elena was dead. What a fool, but Damon was almost glad. All things considered, Lee could've just killed Elena in her home the night prior. Between that and her becoming a vampire… well, it was the lesser evil.

Now he sat in his room, cleaning dirt and blood from the face of the woman that challenged him in so many ways.

* * *

><p>He spent more than 12 hours waiting for her to wake. One consideration had been to bathe her, but he didn't want to violate her privacy by undressing her dead body. In the end, he opted for changing her shirt, which was mostly covered in blood. Gently he put one of his dress shirts on her- he wanted to move her as little as possible, every time her head lolled lifelessly his heart broke.<p>

In the meantime, Anna had broken into his house, Jeremy on her tail; they had been worried after Pearl had told her daughter about Lee. Now there were guards around the property. Jeremy had taken the news much calmer than expected. After all, his sister would soon return to him- she would be different, but he had to hold unto that. In Anna he had a great example of a vampire that still had her humanity.

Thankfully Anna had taken care of the man that should be a boy, raised by the cruelty of circumstances. Bless her- she didn't ask questions, brought Damon blood and bourbon while he watched Elena's skull heal. In a quiet voice she had explained the situation to Jeremy, and promised protection.

Elena sat up with a loud gasp. It was as if she was drowning, again. Her whole body ached, her mind was bombarded with images- dreams? Memories? Her lungs filled with air, reluctantly, as if this was the first breath she ever drew. It was dark in the room save for a small light. Damon was there, grabbing her by the shoulders, saying things like "Shhh", "Be calm", and "You're OK".

His voice soothed into her busy mind, his eyes gave her something to focus her sight on. When the pain subsided and her thoughts calmed she finally managed to whisper: "What happened to me, Damon?"

He held both of her hands now, to comfort her. "You were compelled, and jumped out of your window... you broke your neck, Elena."

Elena drew in a sharp breath in shock, freeing one of her hands to touch her neck, then throat. The wheels were turning. "My hands are so cold. I'm so cold, Damon." She needed space, the room was drowning her, where was all the air? She couldn't breathe, so she stumbled off the bed to the open window, taking in the warm night air.

It took most of Damon's willpower to not go after her, to embrace her tightly. Instead he watched her white-knuckle grip on the windowsill.

"I died. I'm in transition."

Her voice was small and her gaze somewhere in the sky.

"Well, that's fucked up."

A chuckle erupted from her, shoulders starting to shake. When she turned around her entire face showed a laugh, but her eyes started to water.

Damon pressed his lips together hard, forcing a tentative smile on his face despite a furrowed brow. "Things will feel very intense now, heightened. I will help you, OK? Please just let me help you. I know it won't make up for-"

"Help me with what?" Elena interrupted, "Help me with the transition? I don't think I even want to be a vampire." She threw up her arms in frustration, running them through her hair- it was tousled and sticky with the remainder of her fall. Realization hit her when she pulled a piece of bone out of her strands.

"Is that…Oh my God," she breathed, trying to untangle her hair furiously with both hands, dried blood and bone splitter making it an impossible task.

She stumbled forward, past Damon, into the bathroom. Her own reflection startled her so much she fell back, tears mercifully taking away the sight of her.

Her hearing picked up sounds from all over the house. Damon, who had followed her, crouched down, putting his hands gently on her face. Right now she was easy to read, confusion washing over her. "Who else is in the house, Damon?" She whispered, trying to stay hidden.

Damon exhaled audibly before answering, "It's Jeremy, with Anna. There are also guards provided by Pearl."

Confusion changed to panic when Elena heard her brother's name. She grabbed onto Damon's shirt, wrinkling the fabric and keeping him close to her.

"He can't… he can't see me like this!" Tears spilled freely now, eyes darting back and forth between his.

While he contemplated a reply she pushed him back, he fell on his back at her unexpected strength. He was back on his feet in a second, but Elena was already busy with her clothing.

The buttons of the shirt he had put her in ripped off and fell all over the floor. Her pants and underwear followed suit, and suddenly she was naked, oblivious to his presence. The sound of water snapped him out of his daze, and he quickly left the bathroom. It was so wrong of him to watch her, to think that she looked so perfect, that he had even yearned for a brief moment to join her.

To busy his hands, he quickly went to grab some clothing from the other bedroom and put it on the corner of his bed. She'd see it immediately when leaving the bathroom. He pressed thumb and index finger on the bridge of his nose, trying to ease some tension. Jeremy and Anna must've heard the commotion, the younger brother probably impatient to see his sister. Hopefully he could convey gently that Elena needed a moment to compose herself.

With a confident swig he emptied his bourbon and went down the stairs. He was buying time for Elena, and distracting himself from ridiculous thoughts- would she like the outfit he had picked for her? Would she mind later on that he'd seen her naked body?

Jeremy waited nervously at the bottom of the stairs, and all thoughts about Elena's curves went quickly away.

"She's awake, right? How is she?" Suddenly he sounded like a boy again, not the man he'd thought him to be earlier.

"Your sister is up, she's taking a shower, Jer. I'm sure she'll come down when she's ready." Damon tried to give his most optimistic look, but likely failed miserably.

"Boys, come here, drinks for all to calm the nerves."

Oh, how he loved Anna right now. Earlier he had heard her tell Jeremy all about transition- the mood swings, the confusion, the aggression, the despair. How one had roughly a day to either ingest blood or die. That Elena might be like herself, and then like a completely different person the next minute. That as much as they loved Elena, she could not be alone with Jeremy because she was dangerous.

With drinks in hand they waited in silence. Damon caught Anna's glance – they were both listening in on Elena, when maybe they shouldn't. Sobs were interrupted by giggles until the water had finally stopped.

* * *

><p>When the hot water hits my face, I finally sober up to the situation. Jeremy is downstairs, waiting for me, while I try to wash blood out of my hair. I would smile in any other moment when I see my own shampoo and shower gel in the show. Damon can be so mindful.<p>

I've turned the water scalding hot while I scrub away at my body. The pain is good, because it means that I am not dead just yet. I sob and cry, then giggle in confusion. There are pictures in my mind I haven't seen before, flashes, like ten-second gifs.

When I finally leave the shower the room is full of steam and again my reflection is hidden from me. I grab a big white towel and wrap it around me – again surprised when I find my other toiletries on the counter. I do the quick routine, just some lotion, and push away unpleasant thoughts.

_I'm dead – can I be vampire? – How can I take care of Jeremy? – Will I die or give into blood? – Will I kill people? – I will never grow old and have children…_

Back in Damon's bedroom I find a stack of my clothes. I smile this time while I slip into them- black leggings, a black oversized flow-y shirt. A little blue belt hugs my midriff gently, and only now I realize how tender my skin is to every touch.

When I'm not even halfway down the stairs my little brother runs up, scoops me into his arms and breathes deep sighs of relief over my shoulder.

"You really scared me, Elena," he confesses, and I hold him a little tighter.

"I'm so sorry, Jer." I'm not even sure what I'm apologizing for- dying? Being turned? Scaring him?

He smells different to me now, just _more_, I realize. I smell his shampoo and sweat, detergent and a little bourbon. When he lets me go reluctantly, I cannot help but inquire.

"Have you been drinking, Jer?"

He blushes, and Anna pipes up, "Well, we all needed a little something." She motions for us to join her and Damon in the parlour, so we do. Damon hands me hot coffee, his hand brushing shortly over mine. My whole arm tingles at the contact and his eyes are more mesmerizing than ever. I'm ushered to a couch before I pout.

"Hey, hang on… you guys get all the good stuff and I'm stuck with caffeine?"

Damon winks and admits: "There might be a little something in your mug, too. But careful Elena, your body it very sensitive right now."

I pull up my legs and try to focus on the conversation- they update me and each other, trying to sound upbeat while they must be dead tired- it's now long after midnight. They agree that Lee probably left and thinks I am dead, but they will be on the lookout.

When I focus on Lee, I see some flashes – Lee forcing me to invite him into my house, his blind rage and threats. I can even feel his breath on my face from when he choked and compelled me.

"Is it possible that I regain memories that have been compelled away?" I ask calmly.

"Yes, you will remember everything vampires made you forget!" Jeremy proudly shares his newfound knowledge. I have to smile – my brother is no scared of me yet, or disgusted. He's here, and he wants to help. I couldn't wish for better family.

I start to cry, which is so silly that I giggle in frustration.

"Oh great," I comment, "I feel like the slightest bit of emotion sets me off."

"That's exactly what's going on," Damon volunteers, and I can't help but let out a frustrated growl. The mug breaks in my hand, sending coffee and shards all over the floor. I'm on my feet in no time, apologizing profusely while everyone assures me that it's fine. Anna offers to clean up, and I pull her into a hug, whispering thank-yous because I know that Jeremy would be so lost without her right now.

I know all they want to ask is how I am, and if I know what I want to do. No one dares to ask. Anna and Damon share a story from the 1800s, and Jer thankfully falls asleep.

"We should all get some rest. Elena, you might not feel tired now but your body is deteriorating… The more rest you get the clearer your mind will be." Anna means well but when I hear deteriorate I have think of decompose… and that is all so foreign to me that I get lost in thoughts once more.

Damon gently pulls me to my feet, and with a nod I oblige. After leading me to his bedroom, I sit in one of his chairs while he changes the sheets on his bed- we have a silent understanding that I will stay with him tonight. I can't be alone, I long for comfort. While he brushes his teeth, I fall on the soft sheets, not bothering to find PJ s.

"Do you want the bed for yourself?" Damon offers, but I shake my head no.

"Please, just lie with me. Just like a nap. My head filled with memories that don't seem like mine and I think Anna is right- some rest will help."

Damon looks at me and seems to hesitate. Does he not want to come to bed with me? I sit up to face him properly.

"You don't have to join me -, " I start, but Damon hushes me and sits down close to me. One palm cups my face gently while the other rests on my hand.

"Elena, you need to know… I have compelled you before. You will remember whatever Lee and Stefan made you forget, but also some things I was not ready to share with you."

He speaks so gently, but of course confusion rises in me…

"What could you have hidden from me?"

"Oh, you know, just a whole bunch of kinky stuff we engaged in." He winks, and I smack his shoulder.

I shake me head, but have to smile just the tiniest bit. If my mind wouldn't be so frazzled I'd make him tell me whatever he compelled away.

"Let's just rest, please," I finally beg him, and we lie down; he lets me rest my head on his shoulder. Instinctively I rest my hand on his heart, breathing in his scent – it's delirious. I pass out within seconds.

* * *

><p>Watching Elena sleep is much better than watching her be dead. Well, obviously. Her hand feels very cold, and I cup it with mine. Transition is a bitch. I don't want to treat her like something breakable, but it's not like there is a tutorial for the perfect way to transition. I want to know what she thinks, but her head needs to clear first. If I could choose, I would wake her in a few hours with a cup of warm blood to get this shit over with. Once she's a vampire we can deal with all the little things… such as finding Lee for revenge, seeing how Stefan is doing, and oh, yea, seeing where her and I are standing.<p>

I can make her a good vampire. She doesn't have to go through mass murder and humanity switches. Though I wasn't the most receptive student, I have learned from Lexi. Oh, sexy Lexi. Forever part of all this.

Elena stirs, maybe she dreams of our first meeting. I have to smile, because it was nice, I mean, I thought she was Katherine at first. But we had a good talk. I wished for her to achieve anything she wanted and vanished, not knowing yet if wanted to stay in Mystic Falls, and honestly dumbfounded by the resemblance between the two.

Now, Elena whimpers and throws herself around, away from me. I frown- she needs to work through all of this, should I leave her be?

I start to make out words, clenching my fists because I hate to see her like this.

"No… don't… you can't do that… please! No, NO! … You're hurting me, please don't…Stefan!"

Upon hearing his name, I grab her by the shoulder and shake her awake. She squirms, whimpering still. But once she realizes it's me I can see her relax. I've rolled her into a tight embrace, but it does feel just right. She cries quietly and I pull her head under my chin.

"You're OK," I whisper. "Do you want to tell me what you remember?"

I can feel her head shaking no, and keep my fingers running through her hair.

"You'll be fine," I assure her, and hope I'm right. There is anger brewing inside me. What did Stefan do? What was so bad that he had to compel it away? I grasp for the obvious straw, it must've been him feeding on her. I already knew that. It doesn't matter, not right now anyway.

When she calms, I hear her speak. "I want to feed, Damon."

I can't hide a gasp. I want so see her face, but she holds onto me and hides in my chest. "You know what that means, Elena. It's a pretty big decision."

Why do I even tell her that? I should run down and get a nice bag of 0 neg…

"I don't want to be weak anymore," she says with determination. "I can't be scared anymore. What happened is in the past. But I still have a future."

She shifts and tilts her head back to look at me. "I'm putting all my trust in you. Please don't let me become what Vicki was. When I hurt people, end me."

I swallow. There is so much pain in her eyes, but also strength. Usually humans don't surprise me anymore - when you've lived as long as I have you know how predictable they are.

Gently, I place a peck on her forehead. "I'll do all I can so that you can stay true to yourself."

I'm so proud of her, especially when she whispers: "Let's get the blood now."

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><p><strong>AN: I really hope you enjoyed this chapter. Pls let me know what you think! xx**


	10. Chapter 10

**Hello lovelies,**

**I had some real problems with this chapter. Hope to get the pace up again, because being a new vampire will not be the only obstacle in this story! **

**Thanks for your kind words, please let me know what you think! Xx**

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><p>Chapter 10<p>

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><p>It is still night when Damon goes to the basement to fetch me a blood bag. I wanted to go with him, but he asked me not to come. Said my first feed shouldn't be in a basement, like something sinister and dark. He meets me on the porch, and convinces a guard to give us some personal space. The guy huffs once, looks at me undecidedly, then vanishes around the corner. I don't even know his name, and haven't thanked him yet for being here. But my mind is preoccupied, I'm terribly nervous, my trembling hands betray me as I reach for the blood. My tongue tries to moisten my cracked lips, they are so dry that speaking stings a little.<p>

_Let's do this. _

Damon doesn't hand over the bag, and I growl in frustration. "Give me the blood, now!"

"Easy, tiger," Damon says with a smirk on his face, as if he's enjoying the show. Well, he must be- me, depending on him more than ever, becoming what he is.

I don't want to be angry with him, it's not his fault, but right now he holds the one thing that I crave most of all.

"Please, Damon, I need to get this over with before I change my mind. I'm not happy or excited to become a vampire, but the alternative is just a little worse…" I pause, and Damon gives me a frown for an answer.

"Look, I obviously didn't plan this, and I don't want it. But I can't just give up and leave Jeremy and everyone else alone."

Truth is, I'm not yet finished _living_. There is so much that I want to experience and explore. And yes, it's selfish to risk becoming a psycho vamp because I want to see how my graduation will pan out. Well, OK, who cares about graduation. My _heart_ is not done living- I want to experience real love.

But now my heart is pounding hard against my chest, and my thoughts and doubts are overridden by the strongest need to drink blood.

"OK," he simply states and opens the bag for me with a swift move of his thumb- plop, the little plastic cap springs off and lands on the ground. "You don't need to drink much. Just, go ahead and see how it feels."

I reach for the bag greedily, get hold of it and latch on. The blood swirls around my tongue and down my throat, delicious nectar that sends me on an immediate high.

A moan escapes my mouth, I can feel my canines grow out and scrape against the inside of my lip. I'm gulping down the blood, completely parched. My vision becomes clearer, brighter. When I drop the empty bag my whole body is on fire. It's like a slowly building orgasm, it's that good. I look up into Damon's eyes, and he looks at me with such marvel that we both get lost for a few minutes. Hours? I can't tell.

When the high lessens, I realize what I just did- devouring blood like a crazy person. Like an animal. And I can only image what my face looked like- eyes red and dangerous, dark veins snaking around my eyes and teeth covered in blood.

_Pure nightmare material_.

I reach up in a panic to inspect my teeth, but mercifully the fangs are gone. My fingers are now covered in blood, and I try clean my chin with the back of my hands.

Not knowing what to do with them, I let my hands hangs heavy beside me, waiting for the residue blood to dry up.

I'm embarrassed, ashamed, and so happy we're not in a bathroom (which had been my second choice), because I know I couldn't bear seeing myself in a mirror. I've had nightmares about it since I learned about vampires, and in my head it's ugly and monstrous and suddenly I wish no one would have to see me like this, ever. But he sees me. And that makes it even worse.

"You did well," he says, calmly. I know he isn't the supportive type, not one for many words. I'm thankful for his neutrality- there is no pity, or disgust.

And while my new face might be horrifying, at least all I had done was drink a blood bag, not killed a toddler.

I try to find words while the blood nourishes me, heals my dying body. "It's intoxicating," I confess, trying to hold still because I drown in his eyes right now just as I was drowning in the blood. Suddenly all I want is to feel his lips on mine, let him get a taste of that blood, too.

And I know that feeding makes a vampire horny, so I fight for control and I blush because he must be reading my mind. He doesn't give me that flirtatious look of his, though, and I in- and exhale with all the control I can muster.

"Blood is your life source now. You will yearn for it. You will search for it everywhere. It's a thirst that can consume all your thoughts, but you can learn how to control it- and not being controlled by it."

There is thirst, and there is lust, I decide_._ Both consume me right now.

His voice is like gospel, he could read me the TV program right now and I would hang onto every word.

I force my legs to move and stumble onto the lawn, still weak in the knees and overwhelmed by all the sensations. My bare feet touch the grass, and it's like I can feel the entire ground, earth itself. He's still watching me, but I avoid looking in his eyes and take in our surroundings.

"Can you see all that? Hear it? It's just so _intense._" I feel overwhelmed by all my senses- my sight is much better, so is my hearing. I can smell things I've never noticed before. The hairs on my arms are sensitive to the slight breeze. So I sit down to touch the grass ever so gently, it feels like the most precious fabric.

"It's like the earth is vibrating. There are so many animals all around us!"

I bite my tongue- I sound like a hippie high on some psychedelic tea for the first time. Why the fuck is this so confusing? _Focus, Elena, focus_.

Time to change the topic.

"I remember now", I say quietly, "I met you before my parents died, at the bonfire. We were standing on the road talking." I have to smile at the memory, forcing the high away, regaining sanity. He walks closer, rubbing his neck, but he's smiling back.

"Ah, yes. I thought you were Katherine at first, what a mindfuck." Damon sits and leans back on his arms, legs outstretched on the lawn.

"You told me that I want a love that consumes me, passion, adventure, and even a little danger. You wanted me to get everything I'm looking for," I muse, "and it seemed so possible back then."

I can't resist any more, so I reach forward to touch his thigh. I need to feel that he's still here with me, that this isn't some fucked up hallucination.

"You shouldn't have taken that memory away. It was a lovely way to meet."

"What, two strangers in the middle of a creepy road at night? And here I thought my hand kiss during our second meeting left an impression," he says.

"Well, it did. Certainly a very old-fashioned thing to do- I thought you were a gentleman after that."

"Ouch, you wound me, " he says playfully. "Are you saying that my sociopathic tendencies diminish the effect of my good manners?"

"Well, better be careful Damon, your recent behavior might make you a sociopath with empathic tendencies."

Damon smirks. It's that lopsided smile that I would love to see first thing at night and first thing in the morning. But everything is so messed up. This is not just a love triangle anymore. It's got a third dimension now, includes humanity and vampirism, life and death, control and chaos. And maybe now I have lost all my appeal to him anyway- what could've been an easy summer fling turned into blood and death.

I'm lying back on the grass, sighing. My body feels so different, kind of brand new and I'm scared, but I want to be strong. There are so many questions in my head, I could start asking and lie here forever. He has moved closer and lies down next to me. When he reaches for my hand I want to bat it away, but I can't. While everything around me seems to be moving at light speed and I feel like falling into a dark pit of self-loathing, he is my lifeline. His hand is soft and warm and safety. I don't know much right now but on thing it crystal clear: _I need __him._

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><p>The early signs of dawn remind us to go inside. We had stayed in silence. I'm scared to break it. Scared that if I move I will lose control, and with that a little piece of myself.<p>

Our hands are still intertwined, he tightens the grip as he gets up, motioning for me to follow and pulling me with him. I don't let go and use my other hand to brush off the grass.

"Sun's almost up. Jeremy is, too. Can you hear him stomping about?"

I shake my head no.

"Focus," he advises, and I do.

_That shit should be vampire 101, right? _

Suddenly I hear, much clearer than I expected, a mix of him walking around and talking to Anna, then: water in the sink, ruffling of a towel. It's amazing! I let out and excited giggle, proud of myself. Reaffirming the hold of our hands, I give his a little squeeze, and he returns the gesture. He looks proud, too, and much more relaxed than a few hours earlier.

I want to talk to him about this, about so much, but Jer looks out the window following Anna's advice and calls down: "Oh, you're up! I'll be right there!"

"Now, be careful," Damon warns, but I'm hardly listening, eager to talk to my brother. As we part hands I turn and give him a peck on the cheek- just a small gesture to make letting go of his touch more bearable.

_Why does he have to smell so good?_

Jeremy meets me at the bottom of the stairs. "What's up, sis?"

I can't help but grin from ear to ear. "Jer, I did it. I drank the blood."

Tears blur my vision, because this is relief, because I will be there for my little brother, see him grow up and now I will be able to protect him, too.

He pulls me into a hug, telling me how happy he is to still have me. That I'm his family, that he needs me. All the right things to support that my decision was not just a selfish one, but the _right _one.

My vampire senses spring to life, against my will. All I hear is the beat of Jeremy's happy little heart, all I smell is his perfectly delicious blood. Suddenly my canines extend, and all sanity is gone.

Before I even move closer to Jer's neck, one hand grabs my hair, another my shoulder and yanks me back far enough I fall on my ass.

"What the hell, Damon?" Jeremy asks, stepping forward towards me.

"Nu-uh-uh!" Damon wags his finger at him, and my brother stops dead in his tracks. Not because of Damon's admonishment, but because he _sees_ me. In all my vampire glory, I imagine, and an angry growl escapes me on top of it.

I can't help but lunge forward, my conscience and my vampire instinct battling for control; humanity is losing. Damon is much faster, grabs me and pins my arms down, holding me on an embrace of sorts, his chest against my back. I thrash and flail, then go limb.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't meant to… I would _never_ hurt you! Jer, please, don't be scared of me…"

* * *

><p>Anna took Jeremy home after my failed attack. He was upset, but I think rather sad than scared. Disappointed? Oh, who am I kidding, all of the above.<p>

I'm stuck in the house all day. Damon tries to bring normalcy back, feeds me coffee and bourbon. To take the edge off, he says. We tried to play chess again, but I sent the board and all the pretty wooden pieces flying after a fit of rage over losing a bishop.

"How can you just pretend that everything's normal?"

He's gathering the pieces, shrugs at my questions. "Things are pretty normal, Elena."

"They are everything but!" I scream. My entire life has been turned upside down, how is any of this normal?

"Well, you're still here, and once I show you a few tricks you'll feel fantastic."

I'm sure that my mouth stands open. He's still not looking at me, busying himself with the stupid chess pieces.

"Fantastic?! There is nothing fantastic about me trying to kill my brother-"

"But you _didn't_, OK?" Finally he faces me, his expression a mix of frustration and exhaustion. He drops the pieces on the board and sits down again.

"Look, this might all feel so dramatic and confusing and huge… but it's not. I will teach you, and you will lead a cookie cutter small town life or whatever else you wish."

I can't decide whether he is belittling me or being serious, so I choose to not argue.

"I can't even leave the house, Damon. I can't be around my brother… Or probably any human for that matter. Are we talking about a two day vampire crash course or a lifelong endeavor?" My shoulders are shaking, because I try to not go crazy with all the sensory and emotional overload.

"Depends on the student- you already got the best teacher."

He winks at me. I sigh. OK, maybe I smile a little.

"Listen, Alaric will come by later." I open my mouth to protest but he shushes me. "He will come over and help you recognize and deal with your cravings. And please don't argue with me because the alternative is to ask Jeremy back or maybe your cute aunt Jenna."

So I bite my lip, again. Rearrange the chess pieces. Wait for the world to open up and swallow me whole.

* * *

><p>"Take your time, Elena."<p>

It's been a week since I turned. Ric's been a Godsend. He came in with just the right amount of a teacher's enthusiasm. You know, the type of excitement they dish up when teaching you the most boring content in class. Ha, and would you believe that he actually brought me homework? He let me practice, stood still as I circled him, the predator in me taking over. There was fear, no pity. There was support, no tears. I think he tries to stay strong for Jenna. I nicked him few times, was thrown through the parlor by Damon just as many. But I didn't kill him, so there was that.

"Elena, gentle."

Jenna was compelled- by me, of all people. Yea yea, compulsion is mean, wrong, pick an adjective. But I want her unaware of all that vampire stuff. So as far as she is concerned, I went to spend some time with John, my biological father, who actually left MF in a huff because he didn't get his way with the Council. I made her be OK with it, happy for me and not concerned. Jeremy agreed with it, even. My friends believe the same thing, and we text occasionally so they don't worry.

"Pace yourself, listen to his heartbeat."

The boarding house became my playground. I've zipped across the rooms in supernatural speed, sniffed out the mailman, jumped across the parlor. Sometimes Jeremy would be there, watching me practice. He's not afraid anymore, I can tell- his heart speeds up differently. It's good.

"Slow down now, you have to finish."

Today, Bonnie came over with my daylight ring. Her disappointment and sorrow were so obvious- she stayed just two awkward minutes. I cannot blame her for hating vampires. Maybe one day she will stop hating me.

Now the entire world is my playground, and I never thought I'd be so happy to be out in daylight again. Feeling the sun on my skin had brought me to tears.

As for Lee, he hasn't been since the incident. Rumor has it he is back in Georgia. Part of me wants him to come back, so I can kill him. It's an anger that drives me, but I keep it hidden from everybody, trying to be a good student. Damon doesn't want to talk about it.

Right now, I'm busy not killing the man I snatched behind the bar in Charlottesville.

"You have to learn this. _Stop_ drinking. I will _not_ stop you this time."

But the blood is so, so good. It's the taste, the warmth, the texture and the immediate high that leaves me practically brainless. I hear Damon just fine, but instead of complying I rip deeper into the stranger's neck, drink greedier.

"Last chance. He's almost _dead_."

And I rip free, but it almost hurts physically to do so. My groan must be a good indication.

I have a mantra now: _Jeremy Jeremy Jeremy._

My rules: 1. I only drink from men. 2. I force myself to envision them as Jer, so I will stop before I kill. 3. Feeding mustn't be done in Mystic Falls.

It's tough- Damon has to stand guard. I can tell he's frustrated with me; he doesn't want to babysit. Earlier he told me that all vampires kill at least one person, they have to experience it; it's a learning curve and I will not have someone around for the rest of my eternity to watch my victim's pulse.

He told me to kill, learn from it, and move on.

In return, I cried, I got angry, I broke his favourite decanter (still half-full) and he only refrained from breaking my neck when I wailed that I don't want to be a ripper.

"That's a good girl. Now feed him your blood."

Ripper, the flattering name Stefan received after ripping countless victims to shreds. After a lot of half-hearted arguments and bitching about why drinking animal blood is a waste, Damon told me that Stefan didn't drink it because he really wanted to. He did it because instead of the classic snatch-eat-erase he would snatch-kill-tear-apart, unable to find a happy medium even after over 100 years as a vampire.

Drinking from squirrels would leave me not only weak, but also unable to compel and defend myself. I would never learn how to control my bloodlust and likely never lead a regular life again. Stefan's need for control and resulting loss of control was what lead him to start feeding from humans again, going of the rails, and attacking me.

And the paranoid, hyperemotional newbie that I am, I see myself coming down a similar path. So this is how it stands- I can be in the same buildings as couple of humans without eating them. I can compel people. I can walk during the day.

I cannot control my feeding very well. I cannot sleep. I cannot stop thinking of Damon's blue eyes and the imposed obligation I must be for him.

"Well done. Now send him on his way."

I gently wipe my blood from the man's chin. What was his name again?

"Thomas, look at me. You had a great time at the bar tonight, but drank a little too much. You'll go home now, sleep, and tomorrow you'll vow never to get blackout drunk again. You have never seen me, or my friend over there. Now close your eyes, count to ten, then you'll get a cab."

Damon snorts, motions for me hurry up. "Don't always turn this into a novel. 'Forget you ever saw me, go to bed' is clear enough." I just nod.

We're heading over to the Camaro, ready to take us home. There it is again, the shame and the guilt. How can I ever get used to the fact that I need to hurt other people in order to live? I rub at my lips and chin, trying to erase every hint of blood.

Blood bags do work, but I mean, people need those, too. And I need so much more blood than I thought I would.

The first few times out feeding – bars are the easiest spots – I got upset after hurting my victims too much. Panicked, cried, begged Damon to make it right. Now I'm resigned, don't ask for feedback, don't ask when it gets easier. I know I haven't done terrible tonight, but I don't want to hear it. I still didn't have control. Still almost killed the man. Still do I depend on Damon.

I hate feeling out of control.

The drive home is in silence yet again. I think Damon has run out of words and snarky banter, because I have run out of humanity. We don't talk much these days, outside of training. He's still kind, sees to my every need.

He cooks, washes my clothes, brings me bourbon, coffee, and blood. When I come out of the shower he's picked an outfit for me to wear, and brushes my hair with such gentleness I shed tears. He's there at night when I have nightmares, snaps me out of moods that are ready for the loony bin. I tell him thank-you every night when he pulls me him. When I start to shake because I know the nightmares will come and I'm afraid that one night I'll wake up alone.

I whisper my thank-yous until I fall asleep. But they are never enough.


	11. Chapter 11

**Hello lovelies, **

**This is another gloomy chapter, but we're taking the show on the road, so please enjoy. Xx**

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><p>Chapter 11<p>

* * *

><p>We're living together, but we are not together at all.<p>

There is this space between us, created by us both. Since her transition she's so desperate to maintain poise and control that she cannot even find rest in her sleep. I see it all- the paranoid glances over her shoulder when an unknown smell hits her, the panic in her eyes when Ric or Jeremy stand too close, the avoidance of eye contact whenever possible.

Then there is my personal favourite: she doesn't look at herself anymore. I've seen the scarf hanging over the bathroom mirror, observed her hide behind her hair when passing any reflective surface. She's ashamed to look at herself, doesn't want to see the teeth, bloodshot eyes, veins snaking around her face. I think that would make it final- having to recognize herself as what she is now.

A _vampire_. She's never said the word. Staring that nightmare in the face, quite literally. For now, she can close her eyes and sit in the dark all she wants.

_See no evil_, be no evil?

I haven't forgotten about Lee. But I channel that anger into being patient with Elena, she needs me to be fair and not angry. But angry I am, at Lee, at Stefan, at myself.

Lee should've taken it up with me, like a man. Not going after a girl. Who the fuck does that?

Stefan should've gotten his shit together decades ago. Instead he goes chomping on his girlfriend and leaves me alone to deal with this.

Well, see. With healthy Stefan here, Lee wouldn't've picked Elena to punish me. Elena would be human.

But that's all bull and I know it. I killed Lexi, I killed Bree, and I never even told Lee that I was sorry- since I wasn't. Back then I didn't feel anything, least of all remorse. I brought this on myself, and even more, I brought this on Elena.

And what's worse right now is that she's too busy being hard on herself instead of beating me to a bloody pulp. Furthermore, she asks me to hold her at night, knowing the nightmares will come.

Oh, the nightmares. She won't talk about them. I've asked repeatedly, then kept quiet. Held her when she screamed, cried, whimpered, and fell asleep again.

The way I see it, we need to leave this house. As much as I want to wait for her to be ready, I think it's time to give her a nudge. She's got a daylight ring now, so we can go on a road trip.

* * *

><p>"This is a terrible idea, Damon."<p>

"I would love to hear your detailed argumentation as to why, but you know it's the law- no handheld devices while driving. Tata for now, talk to Gilbert."

I toss Elena the phone, which earns me a scowl. What? It's not like this is a kidnapping. Been there done that…

"Ric, please don't worry. We'll be back soon…"

I quit listening. This trip is a good idea, no matter what the human fraction says. Elena had been hesitant at first, but then given in way too easily. I would like to brag about my skills of persuasion, but it was not even more than a three-sentence exchange before she packed her few belongings. Now she's sitting in my Camaro, mostly staring out of the window when she's not arguing with Ric. Great. More deafening silence. I guess it's better than 'Are we there yet?'

So, our destination is Marietta, GA. Home to Bree's Bar… I wonder if they still call it Bree's, given the circumstances. They probably do, in memory of. Blah. Whatever. Bree had it coming. Screw it, no time for remorse. Time to pick an Inn and hope not to get bedbugs. Can you tell I'm grumpy?

"I'm thirsty", Elena says.

"Oh, she speaks."

"I'm serious, Damon. I need to feed. How long until we're there?"

I sigh. 'Are we there yet' after all. "Another ninety minutes or so. You shouldn't be so thirsty, you fed last night."

She holds her breath, exhales, inhales. "I'm thirsty."

"Well, patience's a virtue." There is a lot I will do for that girl, but she won't desiccate anytime soon.

She huffs, I turn the music louder, some modern rock ballad I don't care too much for. Pearl set up a meeting for tomorrow with some vampire who may have an idea where Lee is currently holding up- I sincerely hope that we find that coward soon. Maybe during the day, it would give Elena the chance to see what sun does to our kind when you aren't so lucky to own a daylight charm.

Then again, I have a whole book of ideas about what to do with that asshole. But maybe I'll have to step back and let Elena do the honors. We have an eternity to drag out his punishment.

* * *

><p>Our hotel is a dump. OK, it isn't. It's a nice little Inn with pastel colored walls and a kettle with a generic selection of teas- Earl Grey, chamomile, peppermint. The minibar selection is worse. Each a tiny bottle of Jim and Jack, as well as some no-name vodka and tequila. Urgh. Good thing I travel in style and bring my own bourbon. I'm already four fingers in and still worrying about tomorrow while Elena is in the shower. It's our routine: I shower, she showers, then we settle in. I zap through a terrible collection of television, not even Discovery holds my interest.<p>

Elena joins me, dressed in a tank and shorts, which only accentuates her long legs. She's so beautiful without even trying. I long for her, and it's such a greedy thought. It's not enough to just hold her, but I don't want to seduce her either. We have eternity, there's no rush but my impatience.

"Anything good on?" She asks, but doesn't even glance at the screen.

"Nothing noteworthy."

She fluffs up the pillow and lies down, staring at the ceiling.

"Thanks for helping earlier." She sighs. "I think I start to get the hang of it."

"Well, I, for one, never doubted you." I smile down at her, but it's clear that she's not enjoying her success. The hotel clerk was the easiest choice, and she had handled herself quite well. I myself chose a hot blonde I saw checking in after us, visited her in her room. Elena is hungry because she's new, I am hungry because I have to watch her eat all the time. Not that I mind feeding, my relationship with blood is quite alright, thank you very much.

"Are you excited about finding Lee?"

"Hmm. I'm kind of scared." She sits up next to me, leaning against the headboard.

"I know nothing will happen to me, but I'm worried about what I will do."

"Hopefully kick this punk's ass. Taking revenge can be pretty satisfying." I say, finishing my drink. Shall I have another?

Another deep sigh from her. She looks at me with those worrying eyes that break my heart every time.

"It's not that easy, Damon."

"Of course it's that easy. He's responsible for your death, and you get to pay him back for it."

She shakes her head. "I don't know how to explain. I'm trying very hard to keep it all together and not give into any type of strong emotion. I fear when I let the anger take over I will lose control."

"Fear is also a strong emotion. You cannot be afraid of what you might potentially do for the rest of your life. Bottling everything up will not help you learn self-control and moderation." It's a conversation we've had many times, and she knows I'm right.

"Somehow I still can't see myself killing that guy. In a way, I understand why he did it. Who am I do harm him now?"

Now it's my turn to sigh. "Well… let's find him first, OK? Stop overthinking it. Come on, looking worried will give you wrinkles. Let's sleep."

We settle in, me holding her, like every night. It's so innocent, but it's not enough. Tomorrow will be a new day, and we can't look back.

* * *

><p>We're standing in front of an old warehouse where we're supposed to find Lee. Pearl's contact, a redhead named Cassie, was almost too eager to help. We said we're Lexi's friends, and I guess Elena almost is. Cassie doesn't care for any of that, except her peace, and Lee is a messy vampire who leaves corpses all around the city. Jackpot. It's a perfectly sunny afternoon and that makes it all the more exciting.<p>

"Ready?" I ask.

"As ready as I'll ever be."

I squeeze her hand, which earns me a little smile.

"Wakey wakey!" This place is dark, damp, and dirty. I can smell a dead body, possibly more than one. I can tell that Elena does, too. She's hesitant, but I don't let her pull away.

"You have got to be kidding me." Lee comes into sight, that kid is a mess. He smells only slightly worse than he looks.

"You're supposed to be dead," he says to Elena with such contempt that she shivers. I squeeze her hand again.

"Looks like someone doesn't understand how vampire blood works," I remark.

"I didn't exactly have the chance to learn it all before you killed my girlfriend."

"Oh well, don't care. That's not why we're here. Elena was wondering if you have anything to say to her."

He sneers. "No, not really."

"Even better. Less talking, more killing."

It takes me less effort than expected to incapacitate him. A few broken bones and a generous amount of vervain later, I tie him up- zip ties are a bitch to get out of when you don't know how to and Lee here doesn't know anything at all.

"Elena, come here. Time for you to join the fun," I say gleefully, handing her a knife. "Careful now, the blade's been coated with vervain."

Her grip is reluctant. "I'm not sure what you want me to do, Damon."

"I'm sure you can think of something. Gouging his eyes out might be a start."

"Can we just go, please?"

I turn to fully face her. She looks stricken, not angry at all. What should've been a cathartic experience seems to do more harm than good.

"Elena, this is _for you_. So you can let it all out, face your fears. It's therapeutic." I punch Lee in the jaw to prove my point. "See? That feels _great_."

She shakes her head no. "I don't want to. Let's just leave."

"Urgh… fine. Suit yourself." My hand breaks into his chest cavity and I grab a hold of his heart. Lee groans and whimpers and I start to enjoy myself again.

"Any last words?"

"Stop it, Damon!" Elena grabs me by the shoulder, her grip almost painful.

"You've got to be kidding me! Really? You want to spare this asshole?"

Lee snickers over his annoying ragged breathing. "I don't care what happens to me, when I die I will be with Lexi again."

I roll my eyes; Elena's grip tightens once more. I am not even nearly drunk enough for this shit.

"Fine, whatever." I release Lee's heart and clean my arm on his shirt.

"But you listen to me, scumbag. If I ever as much as smell you again, I _will _kill you. For now, I'm calling a truce. And every day you get to live you'll better remember that it's just by Elena's mercy. Understood?"

Elena is holding her breath, still clutching my shoulder. It's a calming gesture now, why do I feel the need to do as she says? It's frustrating me, but I can't help but relish her touch.

Lee huffs in disdain, nods. I am not convinced, but it doesn't matter.

She lets go of me and uses the vervain knife to cut the zip ties; he flinches when the blade touches and burns him.

"Sorry," she almost whispers, and it's pissing me off. She's sorry for slightly hurting him? I step away, taking a peek at the source of the horrendous smell. Yep, Lee has been hoarding a couple of rotting corpses. How can anyone live like that?

"I hoped you would come and find me. That was kind of my endgame." He chuckles now, rubbing his wrists, but it's more habit than pain. After all he's well fed, courtesy of the fine people of Marietta.

"It's my turn to talk." Elena sounds more confident now, and I like it. "I don't care anymore about your feelings. You killed me. I did nothing to you or Lexi, and you did it anyway. And maybe you deserve to die, because I can smell all those dead people over there. Life isn't how you planned it to be, but you can't go around punishing everyone else for it. Either make the best of it, or end it, Lee. It's your choice."

He smiles mirthlessly. "We were supposed to be together forever."

Elena gives him one of her kind smiles. "Yes, you were. But you can't change it now, it's time to accept that."

I feel uncomfortable watching. Is this an episode of Dr. Phil? I have better things to do.

"Have you ever felt the sun burn you?"

She nods. "Yes, I have."

Wait, when did that happen?

"I've been avoiding the sun, I knew it from Lexi. Does it hurt much?"

There is no anger in the room anymore, no more danger. Suddenly, they have an understanding. Their voices are soft, gentle. Sad.

"It hurts like hell. But I'm sure it'll be quick."

"Will you go with me?" He asks with the voice of a boy, not a man, and he sounds terrified.

She offers him her hand. "Yes. I'll stay until the end."

And it's the strangest thing to witness. Elena leads this broken man to the heavy metal door. There is her strength, coming back. They smile at each other, radiate peace and clemency.

He nods once more, then pulls the door open, inviting the sunlight in.

And she holds his hand throughout his agonizing cries of pain, holds it when he falls to the floor, holds it until he's engulfed in flames and the smell of burning flesh cloaks the smell of decay. She moves back a few feet so the flames won't get to her, but never stops watching him until he's clearly gone. It takes a moment for the flames to recede, so I make use of that time to set the rest of the warehouse on fire. When I'm done I gently pick her up, because she won't move or listen to my voice.

When we drive away from the smoke, she says wanly: "It smelled revolting, when he burned."

"Yes. But it's over." And that's all I have to offer.

* * *

><p>She didn't talk to me all afternoon. I didn't try too hard, to be honest. I'm at a loss at what to do with her, so I even called Bonnie. The witch just told me to leave her be, so I did. Went for a drink (both the warm and the alcoholic kind), because I needed space, and somehow I wasn't worried about Elena going on a blood binge.<p>

When I return after sundown she's freshly showered, dressed, and in the process of packing our bags.

"There you are," she says lightly, her eyes focused again. "I think it was good that we came here. You were right."

"I was?"

She keeps rearranging the stuff in her bag. "Yes. I mean I know what you were trying to do, and it worked out in the end."

"I thought you were mad at me."

"No, no not mad. I just need you to understand that your way isn't my way. I can't and won't rip someone's heart out just because I can."

She gives up on packing, steps to me, interlacing our hands. We're locking eyes and in a way we haven't been this intimate in a long while.

"Lee wasn't a bad person. He just did bad things because he lost his way."

I scoff, because only she can find the good in someone who actually fucking killed her.

"Yea, I'm not too sure about that. I'm just glad he's out of the picture."

"We didn't come here just for me, though. It was just as important to you. I think we both feel a little helpless because none of this can be fixed. I can't be fixed. But I guess I wonder, why are you here?"

What type of question is that?

"I thought it would be good for you," I deflect.

"That means you're caring. You started to care, when did that happen?"

This is starting to piss me off.

"So that's news to you? Me being there ever since you turned wasn't enough-"

"I know you care, but I don't think you really noticed." She tilts her head slightly, still keeping eye contact. I can't look away, can't move.

"I'm glad you care. Because I care, too. I wouldn't be alive today without you." She waits for me to say something, do something.

"Glad to be of service." I reply indifferently, and I see her retreat a little bit. It wasn't supposed to come out this cold. But I can't talk about me caring, not with her. I spent decades being emotionless, ruthless, and merciless to my victims and every soul I interacted with. And the change that is happening is more terrifying than a stake to the heart.

She lets go of my hands, and I stupidly let her. "This is chore to you? You feel you owe me? Or is it because you feel guilty? Pity even?"

And I should say no, tell her it isn't, assure her that I am here for her because I want to, but my hesitation speaks volumes to her. In a flash, she's at the bags again, zipping them up loudly.

"Guess it's best we go home now."

* * *

><p><em>AN: I know, it's really angsty and it will stay hard for them for a bit. Next chapter is already almost done… xx _


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